When life treats you like a diet coke

I was doing some thinking today while sitting on the bus on the way to and from my driving test. I passed by the way. Passed by a lot. It was quite a nice feeling. I needed the victory right now. Anyway, I was reading and listening to music and thinking at the same time. It's funny how sometimes I can do all three and still be able to pay attention to each individually at the same time. I realized what it is that I really want, what it is that I've been missing, and why it was so hard to come back here to my dad and Claire's house. I want to be wanted, to be loved and cared about. I mean, I am...in some ways. But I want to know I'm wanted. I want it to be clear. I want somewhere that is mine. Not just a bed and closet in my sister's room. A bed that she takes over when I'm not here. I want to belong. I want to say "my family" instead of just "the family". I want to say "my house" instead of "my dad and Claire's house". I feel like...when I go to a fast food restaurant and order a meal, I either get the food without the drink, or I pass the drink off to someone else because I don't drink soda. Sure, I'm getting what I want, but along with it, I'm getting something I don't want. It's not costing me any extra really, it's not even that big of a deal. I'm just getting something I don't really want that much. That's what I feel like. I feel like that drink. Claire's meal came with me on the side and now she has to deal with that.

Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm not being fair. All I know is, this month I caught a glimpse of something beautiful and it was so so hard to leave it. I don't want to lose that. I want it to stay forever.

I just want to be wanted.