My graduation letter from my dad

Louise,

At this turning point in your life, I would like to pass on a few words of encouragement.

First, I must say that I am proud to be your father and that your mother was always proud of you too. It's not that we always liked every decision you made, it is just that we were thrilled when you joined our family and still receive joy because of your presence. As Proverbs 23:25 says, "May your father and mother be glad; may she who gave you birth rejoice!" You have been a source of joy, may you always continue to be one in the days ahead. If you do, if you continue to grow in godly wisdom, you will make your father and others, glad.

Second, I would like to encourage you to grow to be like your mother. This is not necessarily a wish that you would become a missionary and serve overseas. Rather, it is a hope that in years to come you will express her love for the Lord and for others. We frequently saw that you had a heart for the salvation of others. In that I rejoice and hope to see much of in days ahead. However, no matter what job you may do in the future, whether media or anything else, I want to encourage you to commit your way to the Lord and serve him in all you do with your heart. As Proverbs 31:30 says, "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." As you know, I believe that the last part of this verse summed up your mother's life. May it do the same for you also.

Finally, as you begin to live you life out from under my roof, I would like to place you in the hands of God the Father who can do a much better job teaching and fathering you than I ever could. Draw near to him. Stick with him. Allow his word to be your guide and resource for living. Always please him. Never grieve him. Be his lady, his disciple. My final blessing can only echo that found in Numbers 6:24-26: "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."

Shalom!

Sometimes I wonder...

Is my desire to be a better christian fueled out of a desire to know God more, or is it just that I want to help so many people, go to places and serve them and teach them about God?

I think it's mainly the second one...

Isn't that not so good? Shouldn't I be wanting to be a better christian because I want to get to know God better and stuff as opposed to wanting to be one for other people?

I'm really not sure...

Church

I was thinking today about Singapore and what happened to me there. A year or two after I got kicked out of school, my dad told me that they had also tried to get me kicked out of my church. They had gone to my pastor and youth pastor and asked for me to not be allowed to attend anymore. The pastor and youth pastor, however, refused to allow for that to happen, and I was never told of the incident. At least, not until a year or two later.

Even though I found out after it happened and I had decided that Singapore didn't matter anymore, I was so, so angry when I was told. See, those last couple of months, IBC was the only place I was truly happy. It was the only place people would look at me, talk to me, treat me as if everything was normal. Because there, it was.

And now I wonder, if it was at church that I was happiest, why do I not go at all anymore? What is it that is keeping me from going?

Last night before I went to bed, I told my friend Erin that due to how gloomy my blog seems to be, today I would write a happy entry to raise the mood a little bit. All day today, I was on the look out for something outstanding to happen that I could write about.

Tonight, I've sat here for about an hour, looking at my screen, trying to figure out what I could write about. What happened today that people would find happy and interesting. But you know, I don't think that matters really.

I hung out with friends. We spent time together and watched some shows/movies. It was fun. That made me happy.

I talked to people I haven't heard from in a long, long time. And they are doing alright. That made me happy.

I turned in my last paper for about another month yesterday. Today I was able to relax and sit around doing whatever I wanted to do. That made me happy.

I had an argument with my dad today. These days, it seems like half the time we talk, we're arguing about something. But I wouldn't give him up for anything, and I know he wouldn't give me up either. That makes me happy.

It was a day of music, a day of friends, of talking, of tv, of fun, of caring.

Yesterday was a rough day for a lot of people. I'm sure today was too. There is a lot that could be said, there is a lot that shouldn't be said, and there is a lot that nobody has words for. But everything is going to be ok.

Just remember, if you've got yourself stuck in a pit, the only direction you can go is up.

Today

People are hurting.

People are crying.

Everything is going wrong.


Yep, sounds like any other day...







...God, help us.

:/

When I was in elementary school, I used to get teased for always knowing the answers and for being able to do my work so fast. I had teachers who wouldn't be happy because I got through the assignment so fast and it was too easy for me, but they didn't want to set something harder. So I became one of the 'dumb kids'. I misspelled words and got questions wrong on tests. Easy questions that I knew the answer to. On purpose. I made myself become normal. Actually, I made myself lower than normal. Ever since then, I have always been in the lower half of my class grades-wise. Because of this, I kept getting pushed farther and farther down. Except for my 11th grade English teacher who made me sign up for AP English the following year even though I only got through her class with about a C. Sometimes I wonder, had I stuck through the teasing, had I not dumbed myself down, what would I be doing now? How would things have turned out different? Where would I be? And most of all...what should I have done differently?

Maybe One Day

My friend Josh read my blog entry from a couple days ago, and it inspired him to write a song about me :) I liked it and wanted to save the lyrics, so here it is.



Maybe One Day

Sometimes I really do wonder what I am to you... I used to think I knew what I wanted... Maybe I did know what I wanted, maybe it just changed....

Everyday I wake up alone, wish you were with me
Every time I call your phone, I hope you miss me
I hope that you want me like I want you
But I think you don't, I'm on this road
A trail of sorrow and misery when I think of you
I fail at trying to live without you, I doubt you
Would ever want me, so I think fallacies
About you hatin' me and I want to cry
But there just aren't enough tears in this world
And it breaks me down inside, just to be your girl
I'd always try so hard to be the best in your eyes
I know you will be my demise so why do I try....

It's just...sometimes the way you talk to me, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think. The way you phrase things, the things you do.

The way you talk, sometimes I feel you want me
Other times, it hurts, seems like you snub me
I don't understand whats goin' on behind your eyes
But if you let me in, I'd help you, I'd fight for a night
Just being with you, just seeing you, sleeping next to you
I love you so much that if you knew it would wreck you
I hope it ends the way it should, but I'll never know
If you don't let me in now, I've helped you grow
Now help me live, help me hope, help me breathe
Finally realize what you mean to me, hold me as I sleep
I need you, I hope you need me, please believe me..

One day I will look back on this and laugh... It will be how it's meant to be. And you will be happy. That is all that's important...

thinking too much?

I feel like I can see everything and I know what's going to happen and it's completely obvious. And then I can see myself and it kind of scares me, but I don't know why.

And my throat gets like a lump in it and my chest tightens up like it always used to when I used to get panic attacks a lot.

And I can remember tons of stuff that I never normally remember and it kinda scares me.

And then I remember dreams that I have over and over again and they finally make sense, but the more I think about them, the less sense they make.

And then I think about all of my friends and I can't figure out if I'm being a good friend or a bad friend and some of them I can't figure out why they like me so much and others I can't figure out why they don't.

And everything I can't do seems easy.

And everything I can do seems hard.

And everything that's simple has a complex answer.

And everything that's complex has a simple answer.

And I never quite know where I'm going to go from there.

I just want you to be happy.

Sometimes I really do wonder what I am to you. Your best friend, someone to talk to when times are rough, just another dumb girl. I used to think I knew what I wanted. I really did. Maybe I did know what I wanted, maybe it just changed. But what I really want...I want you to be as happy as you possibly can, whether that is with or without me. If it was my choice, I'd keep you around forever. I would. Through anything, no matter what. You know that. And to be 100% honest, I think you know more than I give you credit for, but sometimes it's easier to pretend you don't know, to pretend you don't understand. You know, I'm writing this, hoping with all my heart that it's something you will never ever see. Cause you will know it's about you. There's no question about that. There is nobody else it could be about. You know how I feel. And...I know how you feel about that :/. It's just...sometimes the way you talk to me, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think. The way you phrase things, the things you do. But that's ok. Everything will end up the way it's supposed to. One day I will look back on this and laugh. I'll visit you and your family and everything will be ok :) It will be how it's meant to be. And you will be happy. That is all that's important :).

All dressed up, no place to run
No car, no girl, no pills, no fun
Nothing to do in this empty room
I gotta get my head together soon

Alone again, no plans, no friends
You come around at half past ten
You say "How are you holding up my friend?
Are you sitting around getting drunk again?"

And I hear the desperation of those lines
Wasted hours, others wasted time
Uh, yeah, I been just fine!

Then we're out the door in an hour more
We stumble down from the second floor
And we're swaying, braying
We don't know what we're saying

And you grab my shirt, your way so curt
I swear to God that this doesn't hurt
When you stare like that, you put on that act
You say something and then you take it back

And I feel as though I've done something wrong
Oh, how I miss you when you're gone

And I wish I had the guts to scream
You know, things aren't always what they seem
When you walk away, I want to stay
Don't leave me here to pace and pray

All these nights I burnt, hours I turned
You think that by now I'd learnt
That you're only what you pretend to be
I guess that was just lost on me

I can't stand the way you look at me
In that dress
Oh, happy, alright I might be, I guess
If I wasn't such a mess

I'm such a mess
I'm such a mess
I'm such a mess
I'm such a mess

Wow

I mean seriously. Wow.

Rainbows are probably one of the most outstanding symbols to me. I've written why previously. Today I came across probably the most amazing rainbow picture I have ever seen in my life and I just had to save it and share it.