Honesty and Despair

Note: if you don't want to read all the way through this, skip down to the bottom and read the last paragraph. Theres something there that you should hear.

You know, honestly, I am a horrible person. There is nothing you can say that is going to make me change my mind about that. And its not me being negative either. I'm not in an upset mood or anything that is making me think like this. Its just true. I'm not always nice, I don't always do the right thing, I do things that I KNOW I'm not supposed to do, I don't always treat people the way they should be treated, I can talk garbage sometimes, I let myself put things into my mind that I know I shouldn't, and I don't always do the things that I know I should. And maybe you're thinking that everyone is like that. But how does that make it ok? Why is it ok for me to do those things just because everyone else does? Its not ok. Its just as bad. Maybe even worse because I call myself a christian. I don't always act the way a christian should. I know that. I don't talk the way a christian should. I don't do the things a christian should. I don't read the Bible. I rarely pray. I don't go to church anymore. I'm not attending any sort of Bible study or christian type function. I know it would be very easy to change all that and I've told myself over and over again that I'm going to. At first it was I'd go back to church when summer was over and I came over here, then it was I'd go back once school started and I'd figured out my workload, then after basketball was over, then when I didn't do basketball it was when I got a job. Theres just one thing after another, one excuse after another as to why I shouldn't be going to church. I only really need one reason to go to church but I'm not going anyway. Even if I was, how would that make me a good person? It really wouldn't. There are people who go to church and who call themselves christians but that doesn't mean they really are. I'm pretty sure you can be a christian and not go to church. In my opinion its about faith. But how long can faith really last on its own. Thats what I'm wondering. Maybe you could liken it to a flame...like...a fire is full of flames. So maybe thats the church. But when a single match is on its own, it burns out quickly. Especially when its around things that like to extinguish fire like water and wind. So maybe thats the world. I don't know. I have seen enough, heard enough, and experienced enough to know that I would be an idiot to not believe there is a God. I have almost died numorous times. If you want the sob stories, I can give you them. If you want the spiritual experience stories, I can give you those too. If you want the facts and basics of christianity, I can rattle them off one after another. Maybe I'll get waved off as some religious nutcase. I sure hope not. But what does religious really mean anyway? Here I could pull out the old phrase "I don't have a religion, I have a relationship". But everyone knows that a relationship is two sided and if one side isn't doing their part then it doesn't exist. So does that make me not a christian? Or does that just mean that two old friends have lost contact and drifted apart but when they meet up again everything will be where they left off? I'm really not sure about that either. These past couple months I keep writing and asking the question "Where do I go from here?" In all honesty, I know the answer to that question. I always have. I wrote it once. To quote myself in my journal:

"And I need to decide who it is I really want to be. Whether that is dropping all that I believe in and taking the easy road, following the crowd and doing what they do, or standing up for my morals and beliefs and being different. And being ok with the fact that I am different. I can do the alcohol, the sex, the parties, the drugs, the bars, the boys, the girls, all the meaningless crap that trickles into our lives day by day, or I can say goodbye to all that and be who I am supposed to be..........I'm not sure which one I would choose right now. Its a hard choice. But the way I see it, I am quite literally standing on the edge. My whole life has been thrown into the balance and I need to decide where I'm going from here."

Basically I have two choices. Theoretically I have three. The two choices are as I stated above, I can be a christian or I can not. The third choice is the choice to not make a decision. The choice to do nothing. That is essentially the choice to not be a christian though and that is why I basically only have two choices. Two of them lead one way and the last leads another. I know what I should choose, I know what I want to choose, but its buckling down and doing all the things involved with the choice that make me waver.

It was a Wednesday night almost a year ago. I had just gotten home from Youth group. My dad wasn't around for some reason. He was probably overseas as usual. I remember being upset about something that night. I can't remember specifically what. I turned to my usual medium and went on the internet in search of help, browsing through google and random websites to hopefully find someone that could understand me, someone who I could relate through and who had been through what I've been through. Somehow I ended up on youtube. Somehow I came across a video. I don't remember how, I don't remember why, I don't even remember what website I was on. I had forgotten the man in the video until tonight. The only thing I really remembered was one part of his message. I remember it being an hour long. I remember sending it to a bunch of people as well. I remember being shocked that I, as a high school student, would sit at home and just watch and listen to an hour long sermon out of choice. Not doing anything else that I could be doing, tv, reading, talking with friends, myspace. Just sitting and listening to the sermon. It was probably the most amazing sermon I've ever heard in my life. It changed a lot of the ways in which I looked at things. I'm going to post the link here and I hope some people will look at it, but the fact that it is an hour long probably just turned off everybody. But I did find a shortened version. I found a video of the only part that I remembered. Its only 3 minutes long. I mean seriously, what is 3 minutes? If it inspires you to listen to the rest of it I would advise you to do so because it really is very amazing.

I'm pretty sure most of you don't know the personal battles I have been fighting the past few weeks. I hinted at it a little bit further up when I gave a peak into my journal. A lot of it has to do with self discovery and realizing who I really am and who I am going to become. Most of the time I'm not really sure if I'm happy about that because I'm not sure if I like who I am. As I said above I really am a horrible person. I don't treat people right and I don't do what I am supposed to do and I do what I'm not supposed to do. And while the easy answer would be to change that, I don't completely know how. And so I distract myself with meaningless crap as I said above. No, I'm not doing alcohol and drugs and all those things. For me its photoshop. And music. And movies and video games and all that stuff. Talking to people. All those things are worthwhile. They really are. But...if you're using them so you can distract yourself from other things...if I'm using them so that I can focus on them and try to forget that I'm supposed to be focusing on God, that really isn't good. Its actually really bad. And now is the part where I get to call myself an idiot. Because I know this stuff. I've had the 'answers' drilled into me since I was a little kid. I know the Bible stories. I know the reasons. I know that Jesus came down and died for the sins of the world. I have the head knowledge of all that. And then add in the experiences. I've faced the supernatural. I've seen miracles...hell, it seriously is a miracle that I'm still alive today. I've seen enough, heard enough, talked to enough people. How can I NOT be a christian? Can I blame human nature? By saying I'm a christian that means that I believe in the Bible. It also means that I'm supposed to believe the Bible is 100% accurate. By this logic, it means that I believe that human nature is generally evil. There is no good in this world except for through God. Your first reaction to that statement is going to be 'thats not really true, people are pretty good.' That is what mine was. But think about it a little more closely and maybe your response will change. But if humans are inherently evil, then is that why I am not acting christian and doing all the christian actions? But these 'christian actions', they in themselves aren't what make you a christian. And so its all super confusing I guess. But its also very simple at the same time. Because "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved". Thats technically all there is to it. Unless I'm very wrong. But you can NEVER be truly happy if God wants you and you haven't let Him get you yet. Never. I know I haven't been the greatest christian example. I know I haven't been a good one at all. I don't talk about my faith. I'm pretty sure I don't show it in the way that I act. I don't even know if any of my friends that aren't christian even know I am. If they do know that I'm a christian they probably just think I'm like all the other regular christian kids. Nothing special. But you know, I want to be different. I want to be something special. I want to be able to show people that I have something that they don't have. But I want to be able to show it in a way that they can know that they can get it too. I want to be a witness. I want to stand out in the crowd. I want people to look at me and think "theres something different about her." I want to die a martyr. Seriously, I do. I have ever since I was a little kid. And I hope its horrible and bloody. And I hope its on the news and because of it other people become christians. But not because of me. In some ways I hope if that does happen that my body would be so mutilated nobody would know who it was. But that they would know WHY that person was murdered so brutally. And I know that that is creepy and gross and I know that people are going to be shocked that I would say such a thing, but you know, I don't really care. It really...its not about me. Its not supposed to be about me. Ever.

I am not a nice person. I am mean and selfish and stuck up and think only about myself and I don't like it when things don't go my way. I want the biggest piece of chocolate or the shiniest toy or the kite with the coolest colors. And its not fair at all when I don't get it because I deserve it for being ME. Because there is no reason that I shouldn't get what I want.

But my life is not a movie about me. Other people are not minor characters. They are just as important as I am. Not more important, not less important. Equal to.


If you've made it all the way through thanks for reading and giving me a chance to be honest.


Heres the short video I was talking about earlier:




Heres the link to the full version if you feel like you want to hear it:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uuabITeO4l8


If that doesn't work just search for Paul Washer and it should be one of the first things that comes up.


Anyway, I am feeling a bit humbled right now and I'm not sure what I really want to do or what I'm going to do. I might take a couple days to myself so if you don't hear from me for the next few days you don't need to worry because I really am ok, I just need to sort a couple things out. If you feel like you want to talk though you can always try calling me. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to leave my computer on or off. I figure I will decide in the morning after I've had some time to think. But I just want to say thanks for being there for me and for listening to what I have to say and for caring enough to listen in the first place. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and play my small part in it. Thank you for everything, my friend. I pray that someday I will be able to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

You're so important to me. Never ever forget that.

Take a guess

1. We've known each other for SOOO long. Since 5th grade to be exact. For kids who have lived overseas and moved around all their lives that really is a long time. We didn't actually become good friends until around my 8th-9th grade year, and even though I haven't seen you since the end of 9th grade, you're still one of my closest friends. We've had our rough times and our ups and downs, you've seen me act worse than I think any of my other friends have and I'm pretty sure I've treated you worse than I have with my other friends. We seem to be at odds over a lot of different things whether big or small, but I think thats ok because we've still stuck together through it all. And I hope to keep you around for quite a while yet =).

2. Even though you are my cousin you are also one of my closest friends. I remember telling you quite a while ago that even though I was closer to your sister, I thought you and I had the potential to be closer than I ever could be to her. When you came to visit me at work the night before you left I was so happy. I missed you a lot but I was leaving anyways so even if you stayed it really wouldn't have made a difference in the end. Living with you for a while gave me the opportunity to get to know you better and I'm pretty sure thats when you became more than just a cousin to me, thats when you became a friend.

3. You've made some choices in life that I don't really agree with. You know that though. But they are your choices to make and not mine, so in a way I think thats ok. Maybe I'll have to send you a couple more harsh/mean emails along the way, but I hope you know I'll always have your back and I'll be here for you and it may not seem like it at the time but I'm really sending you those emails because I care about you soooo much. You really are an amazing person and you have so much potential. It just hurts me to see you going down the wrong paths. But you know, maybe something thats the wrong path for me is the right one for you. Maybe they will both end up in the same place =). But whatever happens, always remember that I want to be here for you and support you along this dark path in our journey called life. (tacky I know, but it fit with the metaphor lol)

4. You are one of my oldest friends in Poulsbo and still one of my closest. I have no idea how we ended up as friends seeing as how you seem all shy and I don't talk to people I don't know...all I remember is that we sat next to each other in English class and then we ended up in the same History class too. I remember me and David doing all those tests and how it was so funny because half the time the answers were very similar. I remember watching the Prestige with you and how it was so incredibly awesome and we both loved it. I'm pretty sure that was one of the first times I ever hung out with anyone in Poulsbo. I really really miss you and I miss our talks and I know we didn't get to hang out as much this past year as I would have liked, but hopefully we can again sometime in the future. Keep looking forward =) you're seriously one of the most amazing christian examples my age that I think I've met. Oh yeah, and our nachos really ARE the best =).

5. So you are for sure another one of my oldest friends. And probably one of about three that I still keep in touch with in Singapore. I really don't talk to anyone from back there so feel special =). One of the things I think of a lot when I think of you is how much my mom liked you and how she never minded having you over after school. Those bus rides home when you lived in College Green were always fun and even more so if we could hang out afterwards. It was awesome when you skipped a grade and ended up in my class. You were seriously one of my first friends there and I'm glad we still are. When I left it felt kind of distant for a while and even more so when I went back to visit that one summer, but now things seem pretty much back to normal and even though we rarely talk, I think thats ok because just because we don't talk much isn't going to change how much I care about you. You really are amazing, kid =). Hopefully we'll get to hang out again soon.

6. We really haven't been friends for very long. The lame thing is that we became close at the end of the summer. I'm not saying its lame that we became close, just that it was close to when I had to leave. I'm glad it happened though. Oh we've made bad decisions, but they were pretty fun at the time =P. We definitely need to go ride bikes at Walmart when I come home. Thanks for driving down to Dairy Queen when Meghan texted you that one night and being there for me and just staying with me until like 3AM. I really needed that. I really am glad we became such good friends and if everthing works out I can't wait for spring break! =D

7. I may not have told anyone before, but honestly you were a big part of why I didn't want to move to Ireland and why I want to come home for Christmas. I'm sorry if I confused you and made you feel bad at all at the beginning of the summer. I'm sorry if I ever was mean to you cause I know I was occasionally. But we've talked about all that and I know its all good. You really are an amazing person =) I enjoyed our almost daily movie nights that we had when my dad was overseas. And work was so much fun when we played tricks on everyone and stuff! =) Maybe if I came home things could be different but I guess we're just going to have to wait and see what happens. I'm not sure if you're going to read this, but I want you to know that I'm willing to wait for you until you move on. I really miss you.

8. I know you know this, but I'm gonna say it again =P I hated the term best friend before I met you. You really are one of the most amazing people I've ever met and SUCH a good friend. I know we've both been through a lot but thats just how we became who we are today, right? =) I miss you more than you could even imagine. To me a soul mate is you connect with, someone you have a natural friendship with, someone who you're meant to be friends with forever. I remember when we met almost two years ago. Probably on or just after your birthday. I remember after that I'd see you around school. And there was just something about you that struck me and stuck with me and even though I didn't know you I still liked you anyways but figured we'd never be friends. Then I started at Dairy Queen that summer and you came back shortly afterwards. I told you about how a couple days ago when I was reading through old msn conversations from over a year ago when you said something about how we must be 'psychically connected' or something like that. I still think thats amazing because we barely knew each other when you said that and its been a running joke ever since even though we didn't realize it til the other night =) We really have to write down our pact list somewhere better than your phone =) in case you break it or lose it or something! We can't have that. There was that one that was 'keep each other awake' which refers to roadtrips...I'm not sure if we should take it off the list or not =P Man I miss all our fun times and being ninja and adventures and awesomeness! I'm so glad we carried a camera with us a lot this summer because it sort of makes being away easier since I can look back on all the pictures and they always make me grin because we look like idiots in the picture. Either that or we look awesome =P haven't decided yet.

9. So, I guess we've known each other for over a year, but for some reason we weren't really friends until recently. I'm glad we became friends though. You are such a cool person. I like how we talk almost every day too. Theres really only three people I talk to pretty much every day you know and as I said you're one of them =) I know college sucks and I know you're lonely, but its ok, it'll get better. Just wait til I come home or you come here and we'll go clubbing or something lol! I miss you and our game nights so much. Those were always awesome. I miss working together and picking up our Bainbridge boys with secret love notes! Oh man and who could forget Boner boy too! Hahahaha that was such a great night. And then after that we saw him everywhere. It really was an awesome summer. We had way too much fun and took way too many pictures =) but somehow not enough at the same time. Hopefully next year if you do come here we'll get to hang out occasionally. Thanks for being there for me =).

10. I'm really glad to have met you. You have been such an inspiration to me. I have really enjoyed just sitting and talking to you. I miss that a whole lot. I first heard about you through my youth group, and even though we didn't actually meet until almost a year later, I still heard a lot about you and felt a connection to you anyway. Its kind of like...when I was little I got this pouch from a church garage sale. On the back written in a black permanent marker and in huge childish letters was the name 'Derek Will'. Ever since I got that pouch I wondered who this Derek boy was, how old he was, what he was up to, and other things. Then my dad and sister moved to Poulsbo six months after I did. Everything that I had left in Singapore came with them including that pouch. I had long forgotten about it, left it in a box forgotten and outgrown with a lot of other toys. Then this summer while I was going through everything in my room and deciding what to get rid of I came across the pouch and saw the name on the back. Derek Will. I actually know that boy. He married a friend of mine a couple months ago. Its just amazing how these things work out and how small the world is. I really think you are going to be great some day. You just have such a drive for life and your friends and everything you do. Keep on living strong, buddy.

11. Hey friend, =) we really have had some fun times haven't we? Sleepovers, friend maps, toast at two in the morning back when two in the morning was late =P, Aloha Friday, sleepovers ON A SCHOOL NIGHT! OMG vampires, videos, evil bacon, Viva La Vida, sea deer, crazy old cat women eating trail mix, people stalking our tracks along the beach, oh man I could probably go on for so much longer =). I miss you so much and all the fun things we always did! And I'm your manager remember? I think you were mine too...or you were just my Idea consultant or something lol. Like that time you jacked my car and weren't there to stop me from inhaling that firework smoke bomb thing and it ended up shooting me in the eye lol. Luckily Tina was there to take care of me =P hahaha. I'm pretty sure you drove up when I was on the ground though...but I don't really remember lol cause I couldn't see anything. Too bad you aren't here now to stop me from doing anything stupid like that. Thanks for inviting me over to your house. I really loved going to your house. It was just so amazing to be there I guess. Your mom reminds me a lot of my own and it just made things a lot easier to deal with. It was nice to sometimes be able to pretend I was a part of your family and just hang out with everyone. You guys really are so important to me, especially you. I don't know what I'd do without you and I'm so happy to have you as a friend. I miss you SO much and I'm glad that we do get to talk sometimes. I know its not every day but thats ok because it makes the occasional chat that much more special. I hope I that we'll be able to see each other soon in some way. And thanks for taking all those pictures and putting them up for me to see =) it makes me feel more connected with everyone back home.

12. Hey buddy, we rarely talk to each other anymore. Like...at all. Its kind of sad I guess. But I think we'll do ok. We can get right back to where we left off when we do talk anyways. You are such a strong person, always willing to be there for everyone and anyone who needs you. You have such a big heart. I always enjoyed hanging out with you. It was always so much fun. And all those tricks we played on Mackinnon in English! Those were great too! It was too bad we didn't really have any classes together last year, but thats ok cause we still got to hang out fairly often. Thanks for being there for me and always being willing to listen when I just wanted to yell about something =) you're an amazing friend and I miss you a whole lot. We should try to talk more from now on, deal?

13. Theres something special about you. There really is. I can never put my finger on it but...I dunno, I can just tell its there. We didn't really get all that close until toward the end of the school year and then even more so this summer when you started working at Dairy Queen. I've really enjoyed hanging out with you cause you're such a funny boy. Oh, sorry =P I forgot, MAN. I know you have been through, are going through, and will be going through hard times in the future, but like I told you in the airport the day I left, if you ever need anyone to talk to just let me know, k? I'll sit and listen for however long it takes, no matter how late it is. You really are a good kid =) and such a great friend. I miss hanging out with you and working with you and all the things you would say by accident and then we would twist and tease you about. =) Go make me a sandwich.

It's snowing

So I did end up buying a hat. But no gloves yet. Good timing too cause it snowed today. I'll put pictures up when I can. Its pretty cool though. No where near as much as it did last year in Poulsbo lol. But then again...its October...hahaha. I haven't been able to find that movie anywhere which is lame, but thats ok. If its not snowing tomorrow I'm gonna walk into town and look around again. Maybe I'll go even if it is snowing but the most waterproof shoes that I have are my old work shoes...but those aren't too bad, I was wearing them today. Then again, I need to be careful with money because I have less than 13 pounds left in my bank account. And I still need to buy books for school and get a haircut and gloves and pay for printing costs cause I need to print a lot of things for this photoshop class and its like 5p (8cents) for black and white and like 20p (33cents-ish) for color printing. I don't understand this whole thing about freshmen going away to college and gaining 15lbs or something cause several people back home have said they think I've lost weight and I'm starting to notice it too now...
My dad and Claire and sister and Joe left today for Scotland. Lame...I want to go to Scotland. So I'm stuck here until Saturday doing nothing I guess but thats how it always is. I did pull out my dad's guitar again last night so maybe I'll fool around with that for a bit. Haha so yesterday I was on my way to photoshop and it started snowing a little bit and my first reaction was OMG SNOW and I texted Tina about it since we were talking about it a bit last week. My second reaction was ow. Ow. OW WTF THAT IS NOT SNOW DAMMIT. Yeah...it changed to hail I guess. Lame. And I had to walk through it. Normally its not a problem, I mean I've walked through hail before. But this hail hurt...a lot. Lol...weird. Oh well. It didn't last too long. It was weird cause I got up this morning for class...almost didn't go again but I missed last week and I needed to get my seminar thing sorted out cause I haven't been to any of those seminars. But I've felt SOOO sick today and I've got a headache so as soon as it was done I went back to bed and slept til about 3 when there were people yelling outside of my room. Then they knocked on my door and asked if I was going out tonight and I was like um...no. Then they said something about snow and I was like what? I guess I was doing that half asleep talking thing that is similar to sounding like you're drunk or high or something. Probably more high. Anyways they were all laughing at me and then took me to the window and I was like whoaaa and they all laughed at me again. Then...apparently Jennifer got locked in her room somehow. But we were all going to the shop so Danielle went to the accomodation office and is like oh my flatmate got stuck in her room so while we were out they drilled through her door and released her. It was kinda funny though. I think I might go back to bed cause even though I took pills my head still hurts. But maybe I should eat something cause I haven't since dinner last night cause I've felt so sick. Lame. Whatever, I'll talk to you guys later. Oh, and even though it says I'm offline I actually am on msn. If I don't reply its only cause I'm asleep probably. Or in class but thats not until Friday.

The Best Things in the World

I think everyone should have a list of their favorite things. That way if they're sad it can make them happy to think about them when they read it.

These are my the things that make me the most happy and my favorite things ever. Theres no order, just writing them as they come up in my mind.

Kittens
Trees
Bananas
Chocolate (but I don't really eat it all that much)
Mint ice cream
Friends
Rainbows
Rain
Sand
Baskets
New socks
The glint of light reflecting off the back of a new CD
When its dark, cold, and wet outside but you're happy and warm and in a restaurant of some sort just hanging out with friends and watching the weather. It gives an odd sort of comfort
Bonfires
Crayons
Water
Bubbles
Warm blankets
Chinese food
Lightsabers
That puppy that Addie and I found in the farm shop
My house
Skateboards (everyone needs to skateboard at least once in their life)
Turtles
Tacos
Friend maps
Windows (cause houses would suck if they weren't there)
Photoshop
Road trips
Being with friends and not even doing anything, when just sitting there in each others company is enough
Trucks
Drive in movies
Game night
Movie nights
Memories
Photographs
Music
Driving down the street with my best friend blasting our music
Walmart
Playing guitar hero with friends
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Climbing trees
Talking to friends
MSN (because it lets me text everyone for free!)
The smell of old books
The smell of new books
The smell of plastic
Setting off fireworks (especially when you put them in soda cans and throw them like grenades)
Phosphorus swimming
Summer 2008
Peoples faces when they get good news/a present that they really like
Making funny videos
Playing in the rain
Sandcastles
Drift wood
The weight of a camera in your hands
When its quiet enough that all you hear are the sounds of your own breathing, maybe music in the background, and the sounds of the storm outside, but you're warm and safe inside and everythings good
When everyone is happy
The word 'trowel'
The sidewalk on the way to my photoshop class
Bicycles
The Italian movie "Life is Beautiful"
Funny dreams
Remembering things you had thought you'd forgotten
Stargirl
When things are so amazing they can only be described by using an oxymoron
Juno
Apples to Apples
Dairy Queen
Sarah's house
Downtown Poulsbo
The park
Frisbee
Colored hair
Taking too many pictures
Living for now and not minding what happens in the future
The Blizzard Song
Batman (is awesome)
Superhero pajama pants
Hearing from and talking to people I care about
Henry Poole is Here
Sun burns (cause it usually turns into a tan and most of the time signifies the end to a super amazing day)
Circus (even though I only ever went once and I was 5 and barely remember it)
Viking Fest and Kitsap County Fair
Wind
Freshly shaven legs (weird I know =) but thats ok)
When I get up in the morning and take my retainer off and my teeth are all nice and super straight
Getting woken up by a friend talking on msn or skype and then when they find out they woke me they feel all bad...I'm not happy they feel bad lol, I just like getting woken up by that. There are worse things to wake up to =)
The smell of the deodorant I used in America (it doesn't exist here =( lame...)
Belts
Ninjas
The squidgy handle on my hairbrush
Walls covered in posters
Making people laugh
My sister
Tina
Alex
Sarah
Addie
Ellie
Spencer
Meghan
Becca
Neal
EVERYONE ELSE!
The moon
Driving
Jokes
Motorbikes
Bacon
Jimmy Neutron
Fairly Odd Parents
Degrassi
Chicken burgers
Working drive-through
Cookies
Glow in the darkness
Just glowiness in general (not glitter) ((highlighters glow in UV/blacklights))
Nighttime
Vampires (not the real ones, the mythological ones)
OMG A VAMPIRE!
Sea/air/land deer
Gaining 100 lbs
Lego
Toy cars
Stickers
Swings
Lava monsters (that time I kicked Spencer in the crotch and it was totally his fault)
Watching Spencer and Neal play Halo =) thats always entertaining
Spencer and Neal's totally un-gay man love
Music that makes you feel indescribable
Naps
Making cookies our something with friends
"Bakin' bacon"
Flowers
Our amazing nachos that were totally like 500 million times better
Smiley faces =)
Looking at the stars and feeling small
Stars
Everything I wish I had a photo off
Sitting on my mom's grave and looking out over the highway and being amazed at how quiet and peaceful it was even though there was a highway and so much busy-ness so close by
Old clothes
Doing things that are free (not cause I'm cheap, cause those are usually more fun)
Slowing down and doing/enjoying/looking at the simple things
Spiders
After a bad day, just falling asleep in my clothes. Cause somehow it makes everything feel ok
Cool scars that have an amazing story
Surprises
People who realize that just being there is enough
Sunrises and sunsets. But not the romanticness that is most often associated with them, that makes me not like them...its about how something that amazing, colorful and beautiful looking happens every single day and its completely normal and all thats really happening is something as simple as the earth rotating but at the same time its probably one of the most complex ideas in the world. And because it happens every day people take them for granted and don't think of it as a big deal, but if you stop and REALLY look, then you'll realize that it is
How for every person who doesn't like you, there are at least ten more who do
Epic adventuring
Bad decisions that teach you a good lesson
Childhood friends
Friends that stick with you through everything



I'm going to stop here cause I need to get lunch. And also its a long list...
If you made it through congratulations =) Thanks for taking the time to see what I love the most.
Have an AMAZING day! =)

Broken Friendships, Broken Hearts

Why do relationships fail? Why do friendships end? Why do hearts break? I don't think anyone could ever answer any of those questions. I don't really care about why it happens though. Big deal, right? Why. I don't care about that. It doesn't matter to me. What I want to know is how. How could that possibly happen? If people really cared about each other it wouldn't, right? I mean, thats what it is to be friends. You care about each other no matter how much the other person screws up. If I look at all my friendships that I have right now, sure, maybe we'll grow apart in the future, but I don't see any of them actually ENDING. Like ending to the point of neither of us wanting to have anything to do with each other. Cause that doesn't happen unless you don't care. Being friends means caring about the other person more than you care about yourself. Being friends means it doesn't end, it never goes away. At least that is what it means to me. And so I just don't understand how they can end. How two people just suddenly stop caring about each other to the point of not wanting anyting to do with each other. I guess relationships are the same way. I will never understand break ups. If you care about each other how can you break up? I could be wrong and if anyone is reading this please correct me if I am. But its just that...if you cared about each other so much, why would you do things that you know would hurt the other person? And the person that is hurt, if that person cared so much about the other person then why would they let that get in the way of things? I mean, MAYBE you could put cheating into another category for that, but the other side of that is the person who cheated wouldn't have done it if they really cared for the other person. In that case I can understand a break up. Because they didn't really care. I mean, sure, they did, but not really in the proper way. I don't know if I'm making any sense. And somehow people think that its hurt or be hurt. So when they get into an argument they try to say the most hurtful things possible as fast as they can so that they don't get hurt. And that doesn't make sense because making more hurt doesn't make less hurt, it makes...more. And while I know its the anger and frustration coming out, that isn't an excuse. Nobody deserves to be treated like that no matter what they've done. Caring about someone doesn't go away. Being hurt does eventually. But nobody you don't care about can ever hurt you. It only hurts if you care. In that sense friends are given an amazing power. Being friends means you are essentially saying to the other person "I want to care about you enough that I am giving you the ability to hurt me." And because someone is trusting you enough to say that, how can you turn around and abuse that ability? But all of us do it. And we do it more than we should. We do it all the time. I don't understand how we can treat the people we care about so horribly. As Tina would say "thats not ok." And it really isn't. And it makes me horribly upset when I think I've hurt someone because if I really cared about them I wouldn't do that. And thats why I've always had so much trouble being straight and upright and to the point and telling people what they NEED to hear instead of what they want to hear. Because I really don't want to hurt anybody. But doing that isn't cool either because its not being honest. And maybe I just want to know how friendships end because I want to find a way to stop it from happening to any of mine. But at the same time, maybe knowing how they end doesn't really matter. I don't know what that means and I don't know why I said it or how it doesn't matter, but thats how I feel...and sometimes my feelings understand things long before my brain ever does. If my brain ever does. I guess its a different kind of understanding. To an extent I do understand it, but not completely. But then heres another question. If a friendship DOES end but theres still the opportunity to fix things and you don't, is that because you're being too proud to do it? Or is it because you don't care enough anymore about the other person to give them the ability to hurt you? If its the second one, I think thats ok...but...if you both cared about each other before, how can you possibly ever get to that point? I guess thats the main thing I really don't understand...




Oh, and theres only like two people who know anything about what I'm talking about and only one of them will probably even read this so...if you THINK you know what I'm talking about, you don't. If you're completely 100% positive you know what I'm talking about then you do. But...if you're angry about it I guess message me cause we need to talk. As for anyone else...if you have anything to say let me know because I really would like to get opinions.

Favorite Songs

I don't feel up to writing another blog post tonight so I'm copying over what I wrote on myspace:



A little over a month ago I started a journal. After writing several pages a day, I haven't written in it for about two weeks. Thats because something happened that I'm not going to go into here, but I don't feel like I can continue honestly writing the journal until that is over. That is why I am writing this blog.

I'm sitting here in this small, standard student room that for the next year or so I am expected to call 'mine'. It is quite simple but it has essentially everything I need. I think that is all that matters. I'm listening to music I have never listened to before by artists I have either never heard of or simply never heard. But somehow the music is familiar. Somehow I know it. Somehow it is not new music, but rather old music. It is hitting a spot that can only be reached when I pay attention to the music specifically and I'm not doing anything else. It makes me wonder about things.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Life.

Music.

Hope.

Love.

Friends.

I'm not really in any sort of mood. I don't think I have been since I got here. What I mean by that is a general mood, not one that just happens in the moment. I can't say I'm mostly happy, I can't say I'm mostly sad, I can't say I'm mostly angry. But I find myself wondering, am I a happy person with a lot of sad times? Or am I a sad person with a lot of happy times? Or am I both? Or neither? I think I could be all four. That may not make any sense, but I think thats ok because it doesn't really make complete sense to me either. But I think everybody can understand it in some way. Maybe not consciously, but there will be a small part of them that understands even if its for a fraction of a second. I know I'm not happy, I know I haven't been since I got here. But I'm not sad either. I'm not angry, I'm not upset. I'm not depressed and I don't think I'm regretting the decision to stay. Even though I'm not sad or angry or upset or depressed, I still find myself doing things to possibly keep that at bay. I listen to the same old songs and do the same old things. I almost can't go an hour without hearing from someone from back home. It drives me crazy to not know whats going on, not know how everyones life is. And when I do know and if things are not good, then it drives me crazy that I can't be there to help. I spend hours a day on photoshop just drawing pictures or learning new things from internet tutorials because I can't deal with just sitting around and doing nothing. I need to be doing something that distracts me from my thoughts and the mood I could possibly get into. I do all this crazy stuff and make everyone laugh and think to themselves "what is she going to do next?" But that is only because I don't like not being in a mood and I want to be happy. Maybe by laughing along with everyone else I can believe I am. By making them smile I can make myself smile. By making a fool of myself I can laugh along with them.

And I guess the question I have to ask myself now is what am I doing? Where am I going from here? I really don't know the answer to that question. I wish I did. I know I've said it several times, but I really do need to just take each day as it comes and let tomorrow take care of itself. I need to stop looking at tomorrow and the good or bad things that it may bring. Because tomorrow will always have a tomorrow and things will always be better or worse than they are right now. So there really is no point in thinking about it. But thinking that, knowing that, and even practising that doesn't just make everything ok.

A favorite song never gets old or forgotten. I guess thats something that I just need to try to remember.

The Battleship Potemkin

If you enjoy watching old war propaganda movies that are in black and white, Russian, and have no speaking involved, watch The Battleship Potemkin. If you don't enjoy those things and you watch it anyways, it might be the most boring two hours you will have spent in your life. I don't really understand what happened because it was divided into about six parts. I know that the crew of the ship took it over in the first part because they didn't want to eat their soup and their rebel leader guy died during the battle. They left his body on the nearest shore where the town people found him with a note that said 'he was killed for a bowl of soup' which rallied them up and they decided the sailors were right. And then I think I got bored and started trying to play tennis on my dad's phone...it was a very difficult game. Next time I looked up the peasants were all being killed by random people who turned out to be the Cossacks. I have no idea what happened next or why there was another random boat or why the sailors suddenly started being all happy and waving at each other and throwing their hats in the air. It was a very confusing movie...

Oh, and I have a new picture too

Graphic Design

The picture I posted yesterday was just one of a couple I have been working on. I'm not sure why but I might start doing them fairly often. Find a quote and base a picture off of it. It seems like it would be an interesting task. Also, it would set me on the way of starting up a webcomic which is something I've wanted to do for a long time. Every graphic designer needs to have a trademark character, and although I'm not a graphic designer yet and although I'm not even sure if thats what I'm going to become, I have finally found my trademark character. I like it so I guess thats a good thing. Everyone who has seen it thinks its cute so I guess thats good as well lol. Its pretty fun to draw too and come up with little scenarios that go with quotes. If I get really into it then I might start a webcomic using the character and eventually, if I get enough viewers, asking people for quotes and then picking which one I want to draw a picture from. I just have to make sure I don't spend too much time on this fun stuff and not enough time on the images I have to make for my class...oops.

Irreplaceable

Actual blog tomorrow.

Boredom and Cloverfield

Wow. I missed a day already. I really fail at this whole blogging thing. Whats really crazy is that Thursday is the one day a week that I don't have class and thats the day I missed an entry lol. Oh well.

Anyways, for some reason this week I decided to venture out from my little room and go talk to people. Its been pretty crazy and its been pretty fun. I don't think I really got sick of being cooped up alone, I guess I just decided that I should get to know these people that I'm going to be living with for the next year and I should probably get to know them before they form an opinion of me and its too late to change it. So this week we've all been hanging out and doing some crazy things (which you can find pictures of on my myspace or on this crazy British socializing fad site that seems to be a low quality myspace copy called bebo). Now its the weekend. Everyone goes home for the weekend. I don't. I like being alone. The weekend has been what I look forward to all week long and its been my relaxing and alone time. It is 11 O'clock on a Friday night. I am already bored out of my mind. I guess this is what happens when you actually talk to people instead of keeping to yourself: when you finally end up by yourself you become so bored its unbelievable. Oh well, thats ok though, there are plenty of things that I SHOULD be doing and just haven't gotten around to. Like looking for the books I need to read for my classes. Or doing my photoshop projects...sigh.

I watched Cloverfield tonight. Mostly cause I had nothing else to do but also because last Friday in my film studies seminar the student teacher brought it up and said we should watch it. If there is anybody reading who hasn't seen Cloverfield and doesn't want to hear anything about it, stop reading now. If you have seen it or you just don't really care if you hear what happens, well its your choice lol. I think Cloverfield was supposed to be a horror film. I'm really glad I didn't see it in theaters. I was laughing almost all the way through it. Right before the movie starts there is a text block that says something about how the tape is the property of the US government and was found in the area formerly known as Central Park or something like that. Right then you know everybody died so I'm not really sure why you would keep watching the movie. I guess just to see HOW they died. The movie itself starts off in this guys house and hes randomly videoing some stuff and then he goes into a room and theres this girl on his bed and he talks to her for a while and then they decide lets go to Coney Island and then it switches to some jerk guy screwing around with a camera and getting yelled at by some girl and I was just like um ok...thats nice. Suddenly everyone is at this party and the jerk guy is talking to some other person about being the camera guy and hes just like oh I don't know how to use a camera but alright I'll do that for you. The main character of the movie is called Robert and hes going to Japan to work and so the party is this going away party for him. The camera guy (Hut? Hud? I dunno) decides to go hit on some chick that hes only ever met twice and she gets freaked out and goes away from him but he ends up stalking her for most of the night. Apparently Hut is Robert's best friend and the jerk dude is called Jason and he is Robert's brother and that girl from the beginning is Jason's girlfriend or fiancee and I don't remember her name but it might be Lily so I'm just going to call her that. Robert comes in and everyone is like surprise and hes like omg I'm so surprised. Then he goes wheres Beth but shes not there. Beth comes in some time later with this other guy and Robert starts freaking out and finally is like come here and talk to me and so they go outside and Hut follows them until he gets yelled at to leave. So Jason and Hut corner Lily and ask her whats going on and she goes Beth and Rob had sex blah blah blah and the guys are like omg they had sex. So Hut goes and does exactly what a best friend should do and tells everyone at the party about it. Eventually Beth and Rob come back in and Beth grabs her man friend and they leave. Hut and Jason take Rob outside to talk about it and then the building shakes and everyone is all OMG WHAT WAS THAT LETS GO ON THE ROOF AND LOOK!!! OH NO BEING ON THE ROOF IS A BAD IDEA THERES FIREBALLS FLYING AT US FROM ALL DIRECTIONS, MAYBE BEING OUTSIDE ON THE GROUND WHERE WHATEVER IS CAUSING THOSE FIREBALLS CAN STOMP ON US OR GET US EASIER! So everyone is stupid and goes outside. By the time the Statue of Liberty's head hits the ground right next to Hut (who is miraculously unhurt) I am just cracking up. Theres these huge claw marks in the side of her head and everyone is just looking at it going 'dur'. After about five minutes they decide that whatever clawed up and threw Lady Liberty's head is malevolent so they run away. Don't get me wrong, it was a pretty good movie and I liked it. The acting was decent, the special effects were cool, and I liked the idea of it being filmed using a regular camera, but some things were just overdone. As far as the rest of the movie goes it was RUN AWAY RUN AWAY. 'Lets escape from the Brooklyn bridge'. Number one rule in a crisis (as far as movies are concerned) NEVER USE THE BRIDGE. Of course it got attacked by the monster when they were halfway across and Jason died. And then it was 'Lets go walk along the subway tracks underground cause theres no way anything could get us down here right?' Wrong. Dumb question. Hut starts talking about some guy who a couple months before was burning hobos down in the subway tunnels which set me off laughing again, but it was probably supposed to be funny. Then that girl that Hut was trying to pick up freaked out because there were thousands of rats running along the ground. Robert states the obvious fact "they are running away from something, somethings coming!" You would generally expect that that gives you reason to run away. They didn't. They kept walking at their general happy walk in the park pace until they heard something behind them and finally decided to turn on the night vision that the camera just so luckily happened to have. The spider/octopus/weird creatures, of course, waited until the people could see them before they attacked. Even though they were right behind them the entire time. But attacking someone when their back is turned is cowardly I suppose. How incredibly decent to wait for them to look. Next time I am in a deserted underground subway tunnel in Manhatten while the buildings about me are being torn to pieces and I hear something moving behind me, I will make sure and remember NOT to look because of course nothing can attack me until I see it. So they fight off an attack from like two of these creatures even though there were way more originally and there were more chasing them when they ran away. Once again I suppose they were being chivalrous and decided that two of them were enough to finish the job. The girl that Hut was stalking in the beginning of the movie got bit by one and was bleeding all over the place, so after locking themselves into a room they broke into some vending machines and tried to clean her up. Then they come to the conclusion that they can die in that room, in the tunnels, or up on the ground, so they go up to the ground. They end up in a mall or something and wander around it for a while until they almost get pwned by the marines. For some reason it is sunny outside so I guess hours must have passed since the attack originally happened which doesn't really make sense because at the end of the movie the Rob is like it is 6:40 something AM and it has been 7 hours since the monster attacked. Maybe they weren't quite outside, but it looked sunny. The marines take them back to their temporary camp and as they stand around and wait for a while stalker girl is like Hut I don't feel good so he turns around and she looking all possessed or something and bleeding out of her eyes and mouth and her wound where she got bit is still bleeding and I just start giggling and think please don't turn into one of those monsters, that would make everything so horrible. Even better. The marine doctors suddenly freak out and start yelling quarantine all over the place and they grab stalker girl and drag her away. Hut is yelling come back come back and he and Lily are trying to chase after them. They put her into some sort of weird tent that you can see her shadow through and seconds later she exploded all over the place in it. Lily and Hut are crying and I was laughing. Funny how they got her into that tent just in time for her to explode. So Hut and Lily and Rob set off to go find Beth again and the marine dude who let them go said be at some place by 0600 hours or you won't get off Manhatten. Blah blah blah random exciting ways to get to the building, OMG Beth's building is leaning against another building, however will we get in! Hut says well lets get up the straight building, get on the roof of Beth's, and then go down to her apartment. He was kidding but everyone else thought it was genius. That part was probably supposed to be funny too. Writing this is boring me. It essentially got to the point in the movie where I am in this writing: Hurry up and die or escape or SOMETHING and get the movie over. I'm pretty sure they didn't even know when to stop...after they got Beth they go to escape in the helicopter and I was like well finally its over...but NO. The monster goes all King Kong on them and smacks the chopper out of the sky and they crash epically. And I was like thank God, its done. Wrong again. Everyone survived the freaking crash after falling about 1000 meters and then crashing into the ground in Central Park. Then the monster eats Hut. I laughed at that too. I would have been in such big trouble had I watched this in the theater lol. So then the marines start blowing up Manhatten and of course Beth and Rob end up dieing too. There are rocks all over the camera, so whoever went looking for it and found it either knew it was there and they were looking for it or the military ended up doing some sort of super thorough sweep of Manhatten after they blew everything up. Anyways, I probably just ruined the movie for some people but whatever, it should have ended sooner. And it shouldn't be called horror cause it really wasn't...at all.

Leopard Woman

One of my classes in college is called Digital Imaging. In my opinion, that is just a fancy name for 'photoshop'. It is slightly different than photoshop in that we are learning theory as well as techniques, but essentially it all comes down to just being a photoshop class. The first couple of classes were incredibly boring to me because he took over our screens and showed us how to use every single tool that was there. They have to treat the class as if everyone is a beginner though so I can't really say anything. We have been moving quite quickly which for me is nice, but for some of the others in the class is fairly difficult. On Monday, our third lesson, we had to create this picture:



It comes from the website of a graphic artist who frequently merges the textures of animals with the features of humans. His website is called Naturemorphosis. This man spends somewhere close to 36 hours working on each picture. We had to create the same thing in less than two. We were, of course, given the original three pictures to start with.

The woman.



The leopard print.



The concrete.



Had I been left on my own, I would have easily been able to figure it out and work on it, but the point of the lesson was to teach us other ways to do things. He would show us how to do part of it and then return our screens to us and have us work on that part. Once everyone had completed that section, he would show us how to do the next bit. How it turned out working was that about two or three people in the class, including me, would finish in about two minutes and then have to sit and wait for the others to finish up. We couldn't move on because we didn't know how he wanted us to do it. As you can imagine, it got very frustrating. Normally photo-merging is a fun activity to me and I enjoy it very much. This, however, was tedious and annoying. After working this way for an hour and a half, I got sick of doing the project and stopped being serious. This is how my final image turned out:



And now people are going to say "You're in college! What a waste of time and a grade!" My answer to you is yes, I am in college. However, the teacher doesn't look at this. We work on it in class and as soon as class is over he says "Ok, well if you want to keep that go ahead and save it, if not then just close photoshop and I'll see you all next week." Of course I had not yet finished the image so it doesn't look quite done, I just got too bored to fix it up all the way. Anyways, the moral of this story is that if you ever get bored in your photoshop class and decide to draw on your project, make sure you do so on a new layer so you don't permanently ruin your image like I did.