I just spent my first day completely on my own again in a couple months. I used to love being on my own. I'd look forward to it. Any time I came over to my dad and Claire's or went anywhere that people were involved, I couldn't wait to leave again so that I was out of the company of people.
But for some reason, that's not enough anymore. For some reason, I'm no longer content to be nothing more than words on a screen. For some reason, now I just want to be touched, to be held, to be wanted. Even a real conversation with someone, face to face, would be ok.
Is that too much to ask for?
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Breaking off the masks
I wrote before about people being blind. But what if they really aren't? What if it only looks like they don't see because they don't know what to do? But that's not the case with everyone because some people really just don't notice things. But also, what if everyone is the same? What if everyone thinks they see things and they think that everyone else doesn't, that everyone else is blind? I'm not sure.
I can see them though. See things that most other people don't notice. Don't notice or just don't pay attention to because they don't want to see them. It's so easy to fool people. They only see what they want to see. So if you give even a SLIGHT semblance that things are ok, then that is all they see. But I can see deeper than that. I can see through people, see through their masks. And it scares them. So I stay quiet. I don't talk because I don't want to scare them away. But if you just watch...their gait, the way they talk, the way they look, their posture, the way they are when they speak to their friends, the way they look when conversation is paused and their friends glance away for a second. It tells exactly who they really are. Whether they are happy or sad. Whether they have had a dark, painful secret or whether they just don't have a sob story. Because not everyone does. And yet everyone tries to. And so I watch people.
When I have nothing to do, I walk into town to watch people. To figure out their stories. But always take a camera. Because when you have a camera, nobody questions you. When you have a camera, you're obviously just there to take pictures. You're in the background and it's not a big deal. It's the easiest way to hide or be alone. I think only one person has seen through this so far, but I'm not even sure if she really did or if she just came to up to chat. If you have a camera, people can place you in the world. You're just a photographer. And because they can name you, it's more comforting to them and they won't feel out of place.
I always come back from watching people feeling kind of sad. Because there is just so much pain. And I can't do anything about it. But I stay quiet because nobody wants their mask cracked open. Nobody wants to be seen through. That's why they have a mask. It's safer that way. People who are good at faking make me the most sad though. Because they are the ones that almost nobody can see through. Everyone thinks they are the happiest people around. But they really aren't. I talked to one recently. One of my friends is really good at faking. And I told her. I don't know why I did, but I told her she was. I told her she looked sadder than usual. She asked me why I said "than usual". So I told her that I thought she was always sad and just didn't want people to know. She wanted me to tell her more. So I told her what I thought she was like. She said she was surprised I could see that and at the same time, touched that I cared enough to look for it. She told me to talk more, to tell more people who they are. To name them I guess.
I've met so many people recently who try to hide. There's this one girl, she's so very insecure. She isn't sure what to think or do. And yet it comes across that she does. She has a nervous laugh though, and that gives her away. And a lot of times she won't laugh until everyone else does, or she'll do what I do and laugh at awkward moments to try to ease up tension and make everything ok. I don't know her very well though so I can't say much. Then there's another. She's been hurt. But I don't know by what. It's quite a deep hurt. She has this thing where she'll just stare. But it's only for a couple seconds and it's not long enough for anyone to really notice. But in that couple seconds, her eyes get really sad. Then she catches herself and snaps back to reality. She is so strong on the outside. So caring. I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her a bit better this year. I really liked her. There's a boy. Tall, strong, quiet. But he's not really. He can be fun and crazy and talk a lot. He likes deep conversations. But...there's something not right. And I didn't have enough time to figure out what. It wasn't just time though...in some way I just didn't really want to. I mean...he's a lot like my dad, and I guess that kinda scared me sometimes.
I can see them though. See things that most other people don't notice. Don't notice or just don't pay attention to because they don't want to see them. It's so easy to fool people. They only see what they want to see. So if you give even a SLIGHT semblance that things are ok, then that is all they see. But I can see deeper than that. I can see through people, see through their masks. And it scares them. So I stay quiet. I don't talk because I don't want to scare them away. But if you just watch...their gait, the way they talk, the way they look, their posture, the way they are when they speak to their friends, the way they look when conversation is paused and their friends glance away for a second. It tells exactly who they really are. Whether they are happy or sad. Whether they have had a dark, painful secret or whether they just don't have a sob story. Because not everyone does. And yet everyone tries to. And so I watch people.
When I have nothing to do, I walk into town to watch people. To figure out their stories. But always take a camera. Because when you have a camera, nobody questions you. When you have a camera, you're obviously just there to take pictures. You're in the background and it's not a big deal. It's the easiest way to hide or be alone. I think only one person has seen through this so far, but I'm not even sure if she really did or if she just came to up to chat. If you have a camera, people can place you in the world. You're just a photographer. And because they can name you, it's more comforting to them and they won't feel out of place.
I always come back from watching people feeling kind of sad. Because there is just so much pain. And I can't do anything about it. But I stay quiet because nobody wants their mask cracked open. Nobody wants to be seen through. That's why they have a mask. It's safer that way. People who are good at faking make me the most sad though. Because they are the ones that almost nobody can see through. Everyone thinks they are the happiest people around. But they really aren't. I talked to one recently. One of my friends is really good at faking. And I told her. I don't know why I did, but I told her she was. I told her she looked sadder than usual. She asked me why I said "than usual". So I told her that I thought she was always sad and just didn't want people to know. She wanted me to tell her more. So I told her what I thought she was like. She said she was surprised I could see that and at the same time, touched that I cared enough to look for it. She told me to talk more, to tell more people who they are. To name them I guess.
I've met so many people recently who try to hide. There's this one girl, she's so very insecure. She isn't sure what to think or do. And yet it comes across that she does. She has a nervous laugh though, and that gives her away. And a lot of times she won't laugh until everyone else does, or she'll do what I do and laugh at awkward moments to try to ease up tension and make everything ok. I don't know her very well though so I can't say much. Then there's another. She's been hurt. But I don't know by what. It's quite a deep hurt. She has this thing where she'll just stare. But it's only for a couple seconds and it's not long enough for anyone to really notice. But in that couple seconds, her eyes get really sad. Then she catches herself and snaps back to reality. She is so strong on the outside. So caring. I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her a bit better this year. I really liked her. There's a boy. Tall, strong, quiet. But he's not really. He can be fun and crazy and talk a lot. He likes deep conversations. But...there's something not right. And I didn't have enough time to figure out what. It wasn't just time though...in some way I just didn't really want to. I mean...he's a lot like my dad, and I guess that kinda scared me sometimes.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Because friends aren't really friends and enough isn't really enough
I have 399 "friends" on facebook.
This both bothers me and makes me happy at the same time. It bothers me because it does not end in zero. It makes me happy because it is divisible by three.
It also infuriates me. I have 399 "friends". That's a lot of people. But the thing is about facebook, myspace, and all these other ridiculous social networking sites, is that a lot of times, your friend count or picture count equates coolness and popularity.
I have 399 "friends". 399 people that don't actually care. Honestly, that's not true. Because a lot of them do care. But really, how many times do you go home just after meeting someone and become their "friend"? It drives me absolutely crazy because there are people that I am "friends" with that would never actually talk to me or that I wouldn't actually talk to. Not because I don't like them, but just because our paths wouldn't cross or we don't know each other well enough.
And yet we're friends on facebook. And that makes everything ok.
But I don't want to unfriend them because I don't want to make them feel bad. What if they noticed? And I do want the connection. I do want the relationship. It's just not there.
Then you have the friends who don't reply to you when you write to them. The ones who make you consistently question yourself on whether or not they do like you. Maybe I'm taking internet relations a bit too far, but when it's happening in real life too, that says something. Nice at one moment, nasty the next. It's hard to know what to think.
And then you add in the ones who are nice online, and nasty in person. Or nasty online and nice in person. Because you can be anybody you like on the internet. You can hide behind so many faces. You can be someone you never thought you would be able to be.
I guess it just makes me sad to look at my page and see that I have 399 friends and then realize that I don't know or care about them all as well as I would like to.
Anyway, I was talking to someone tonight, and we were having quite a deep conversation. Now I am in a bit of a deep and dark mood. Not deep and dark like my writing can get sometimes, though it may delve into that a bit. Just...it's there. Lurking in the shadows. If a mood can lurk. But mine is, and that's what I feel like. It's not a bad mood. I'm not sad, upset, or angry. I just am. I exist. And it's there, in the dark. And it's pulling me in. The curtains are spinning. I'm watching them now. They just spin and spin and they won't stop. And it all reminds me of last summer when I sunk back so far and just let myself drop until I could hardly get back out. And then a close friend went through family problems and had to go away but I was one of the few who was still allowed to talk to her. And while she was gone I realized that I had let it go too far and needed to stop. I had to stop. I was going to make it all worse. So I put myself through a couple days of my own kind of treatment. A rehab of sorts. I didn't go home that night. I stayed out. First I went to my special place. The outdoor sanctuary. I went and stood in that clearing in the middle of the forest and looked up at the cross. And I was filled with such a longing and despair that I didn't know what to do. So I left. I went to Walmart. I bought a book, some food, and some starbucks bottles of that coffee (I hate the stuff now, must have drank about 15 bottles), locked my pills and penknife in the trunk of my car, and spent the night in a carpark. Reading. At about 4 am when it started getting light, I went for a walk along the boardwalk beside Liberty Bay. Then I called my friend and left a message on her voicemail. Telling her things were bad but they were going to get better. Because they had to get better. Because I couldn't let myself sink lower. Then I couldn't deal with being there any longer. So I got in the car and drove. I drove to the beach about 45 minutes or an hour away. I sat there, watching the fishermen, the early risers, the dog walkers. Watching them go about their day. Everything was normal. Everything was ok. But it wasn't really. And I started to wonder if it was really all worth it. That maybe in seventh grade I wasn't wrong. That maybe I had had the right idea. And suddenly I was tired. So very tired. It was 9 in the morning. I had been up for over 24 hours. So I got back in the car to drive back to my youth pastor's house. The coffee didn't help. I fell asleep driving. I must have been asleep for about a minute. Suddenly I woke up. There was no reason for me to, but I did. I was about two inches from the guardrail, going about 50 miles an hour. On the other side of that guardrail was a ravine. It went quite deep. Had I not woken up at that precise second, I would have been in the ravine. But I swerved away. And I looked around, and things were different. The colors were brighter, the sounds were louder. Everything was different. And I didn't quite know what was going on. So I kept going. And I got to my youth pastor's house and fell asleep on the couch for a couple hours. Only a couple because I had to be up and put the chickens out and then be back at my house to supervise the movers since my dad and sister were in Ireland already. So I watched the movers and drank more Starbucks bottles and waited for my best friend to come over. And after that we hung out at Dairy Queen and the park nearly all day. And I was sort of happy but not really. Because I knew that even though everything wasn't ok, it would be at some point in the future, even if I didn't know when. And that was enough because it had to be enough. Because there was nothing else. And even though it was enough, it wasn't really.
This both bothers me and makes me happy at the same time. It bothers me because it does not end in zero. It makes me happy because it is divisible by three.
It also infuriates me. I have 399 "friends". That's a lot of people. But the thing is about facebook, myspace, and all these other ridiculous social networking sites, is that a lot of times, your friend count or picture count equates coolness and popularity.
I have 399 "friends". 399 people that don't actually care. Honestly, that's not true. Because a lot of them do care. But really, how many times do you go home just after meeting someone and become their "friend"? It drives me absolutely crazy because there are people that I am "friends" with that would never actually talk to me or that I wouldn't actually talk to. Not because I don't like them, but just because our paths wouldn't cross or we don't know each other well enough.
And yet we're friends on facebook. And that makes everything ok.
But I don't want to unfriend them because I don't want to make them feel bad. What if they noticed? And I do want the connection. I do want the relationship. It's just not there.
Then you have the friends who don't reply to you when you write to them. The ones who make you consistently question yourself on whether or not they do like you. Maybe I'm taking internet relations a bit too far, but when it's happening in real life too, that says something. Nice at one moment, nasty the next. It's hard to know what to think.
And then you add in the ones who are nice online, and nasty in person. Or nasty online and nice in person. Because you can be anybody you like on the internet. You can hide behind so many faces. You can be someone you never thought you would be able to be.
I guess it just makes me sad to look at my page and see that I have 399 friends and then realize that I don't know or care about them all as well as I would like to.
Anyway, I was talking to someone tonight, and we were having quite a deep conversation. Now I am in a bit of a deep and dark mood. Not deep and dark like my writing can get sometimes, though it may delve into that a bit. Just...it's there. Lurking in the shadows. If a mood can lurk. But mine is, and that's what I feel like. It's not a bad mood. I'm not sad, upset, or angry. I just am. I exist. And it's there, in the dark. And it's pulling me in. The curtains are spinning. I'm watching them now. They just spin and spin and they won't stop. And it all reminds me of last summer when I sunk back so far and just let myself drop until I could hardly get back out. And then a close friend went through family problems and had to go away but I was one of the few who was still allowed to talk to her. And while she was gone I realized that I had let it go too far and needed to stop. I had to stop. I was going to make it all worse. So I put myself through a couple days of my own kind of treatment. A rehab of sorts. I didn't go home that night. I stayed out. First I went to my special place. The outdoor sanctuary. I went and stood in that clearing in the middle of the forest and looked up at the cross. And I was filled with such a longing and despair that I didn't know what to do. So I left. I went to Walmart. I bought a book, some food, and some starbucks bottles of that coffee (I hate the stuff now, must have drank about 15 bottles), locked my pills and penknife in the trunk of my car, and spent the night in a carpark. Reading. At about 4 am when it started getting light, I went for a walk along the boardwalk beside Liberty Bay. Then I called my friend and left a message on her voicemail. Telling her things were bad but they were going to get better. Because they had to get better. Because I couldn't let myself sink lower. Then I couldn't deal with being there any longer. So I got in the car and drove. I drove to the beach about 45 minutes or an hour away. I sat there, watching the fishermen, the early risers, the dog walkers. Watching them go about their day. Everything was normal. Everything was ok. But it wasn't really. And I started to wonder if it was really all worth it. That maybe in seventh grade I wasn't wrong. That maybe I had had the right idea. And suddenly I was tired. So very tired. It was 9 in the morning. I had been up for over 24 hours. So I got back in the car to drive back to my youth pastor's house. The coffee didn't help. I fell asleep driving. I must have been asleep for about a minute. Suddenly I woke up. There was no reason for me to, but I did. I was about two inches from the guardrail, going about 50 miles an hour. On the other side of that guardrail was a ravine. It went quite deep. Had I not woken up at that precise second, I would have been in the ravine. But I swerved away. And I looked around, and things were different. The colors were brighter, the sounds were louder. Everything was different. And I didn't quite know what was going on. So I kept going. And I got to my youth pastor's house and fell asleep on the couch for a couple hours. Only a couple because I had to be up and put the chickens out and then be back at my house to supervise the movers since my dad and sister were in Ireland already. So I watched the movers and drank more Starbucks bottles and waited for my best friend to come over. And after that we hung out at Dairy Queen and the park nearly all day. And I was sort of happy but not really. Because I knew that even though everything wasn't ok, it would be at some point in the future, even if I didn't know when. And that was enough because it had to be enough. Because there was nothing else. And even though it was enough, it wasn't really.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Sometimes good things don't happen so better things can
So recently I guess I've been learning how to deal with disappointments. But not really. Just disappointments as in things that I have planned out to do/want to do, and then something else happening instead. It seems like I'll make these plans and be so excited for them and everything will be laid out of what is going to happen and I'll be so proud of myself because I've actually been organized and done something. And I mean, I'll even be praying about it and telling God how excited I am and how much I'm looking forward to it and stuff. Then God is like lolnope and pulls the rug from under my feet and things get canceled. And I'll get so angry and frustrated and basically start yelling at God and be like "why? whywhywhywhywhy? what was even the point of that? I was looking forward to it. I NEEDED it. Why would you do that to me?" And I'll be all angry and feel sorry for myself until logic kicks in. That's when I decide that I need to stop and calm down and just relax. But by then, I can't relax and I'm just so worked up about it (and just so you know, this is all on the inside, because on the outside, I'm the same as I always am). So then I pray again and ask God to give me peace about it and to relax and for things to be ok. And then they are. And I feel ok about it. Things don't seem so bad anymore. And then later, something even better happens. It's kinda crazy. I mean, two examples of this are like last week when I was supposed to go for lunch with Crooksy and then that didn't work out. Instead, during the time I would have been out with him, Ellisha and I talked for a while. And due to what we talked about, I think that was better for me than hanging out with Crooksy would have been and I think/hope it helped her too. Then also, I was pretty bummed that I couldn't go to Judy and Rachel G's seminar cause I had to work. But because I worked that morning, it meant I didn't work that night so I could go to Rachel Logan's bbq fundraiser and properly hang out with a bunch of people. It's just kinda hitting me how crazy it is that even though things don't work out MY WAY, they still end up working out better.
Also. Claire got on my case a bit tonight about why I don't like to pray aloud. She said that I'm ok talking to my dad in front of them, so why shouldn't I be ok with talking to God around them. But it's not the same. When you're praying aloud, a lot of times it ends up that you're praying for/to the other people and not God. You're trying to make sure you say the right thing and don't leave anything out. You can't leave anything out or your prayers will be wrong. But if it's to God it can't be wrong. So I just don't like praying out loud. There's no point arguing about it though. I just hope the topic doesn't come up again.
Also. Claire got on my case a bit tonight about why I don't like to pray aloud. She said that I'm ok talking to my dad in front of them, so why shouldn't I be ok with talking to God around them. But it's not the same. When you're praying aloud, a lot of times it ends up that you're praying for/to the other people and not God. You're trying to make sure you say the right thing and don't leave anything out. You can't leave anything out or your prayers will be wrong. But if it's to God it can't be wrong. So I just don't like praying out loud. There's no point arguing about it though. I just hope the topic doesn't come up again.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
When failing becomes a dream
Couple things that aren't so good (or just that I need to pay attention to) that I'm just going to write down so I can try to keep in check.
First of all, I'm getting WAY too excited about the possibility of failing my exam and getting kicked out of my course. Actually, I'm excited about what I would want to do if that did happen, but still, I need to slow down on that and try hard not to fail. Need to think about the good things next year will bring if I do stay here.
Second of all, I need to/am going to have a conversation with Claire and my dad. Maybe tomorrow. Letting them know how I feel about how things are and what's been going on and how they make me feel. That should be interesting. And long and emotional too. Sounds...fun. Not really. But for some reason I'm feeling ok about it. It needs to be done anyways. Maybe I'll tell my dad about last November too...we'll see. It definitely needs to be done in the next couple days, cause they leave really early Monday morning/late Sunday night.
Today I just about cleaned out my bank account. I've been way behind on my tithe, so I pulled all the money today and gave it. Actually, I have a special way of tithing so I don't even know how much I give lol. It's kinda funny, but I guess my thinking comes from Matthew where is says to not let your left hand know what your right is giving. But as it is, I'm down to a couple pounds in my wallet, and maybe none in the bank. I have enough to get me to and from work this week, but when Monday comes around, I'm not sure what's going to happen. And strangely, I'm feeling ok about that too. Because I know something will work out and I'll be able to get there and back no problem.
Also, something I find interesting is my crying. Yes, I know I'm writing about this again. But I guess...I was talking to a couple of people about it, and the thing is, I've always seen crying as weakness. That's just what it is to me I guess. If I can't control my own emotions, I'm just being weak. So then, if I'm crying all the time, I'm being weak all the time (by my definition). And in 2 Cor. 12:9-10 it says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." So I guess right now I'm just seeing myself as being weak. But it's the weak that God uses. And through Him we get our strength. So maybe right now is my "time to be weak."
I had more to write about, but now I just can't think of it. I should really write down my ideas of what I want to write about so that I remember them when I get back here...oh well.
First of all, I'm getting WAY too excited about the possibility of failing my exam and getting kicked out of my course. Actually, I'm excited about what I would want to do if that did happen, but still, I need to slow down on that and try hard not to fail. Need to think about the good things next year will bring if I do stay here.
Second of all, I need to/am going to have a conversation with Claire and my dad. Maybe tomorrow. Letting them know how I feel about how things are and what's been going on and how they make me feel. That should be interesting. And long and emotional too. Sounds...fun. Not really. But for some reason I'm feeling ok about it. It needs to be done anyways. Maybe I'll tell my dad about last November too...we'll see. It definitely needs to be done in the next couple days, cause they leave really early Monday morning/late Sunday night.
Today I just about cleaned out my bank account. I've been way behind on my tithe, so I pulled all the money today and gave it. Actually, I have a special way of tithing so I don't even know how much I give lol. It's kinda funny, but I guess my thinking comes from Matthew where is says to not let your left hand know what your right is giving. But as it is, I'm down to a couple pounds in my wallet, and maybe none in the bank. I have enough to get me to and from work this week, but when Monday comes around, I'm not sure what's going to happen. And strangely, I'm feeling ok about that too. Because I know something will work out and I'll be able to get there and back no problem.
Also, something I find interesting is my crying. Yes, I know I'm writing about this again. But I guess...I was talking to a couple of people about it, and the thing is, I've always seen crying as weakness. That's just what it is to me I guess. If I can't control my own emotions, I'm just being weak. So then, if I'm crying all the time, I'm being weak all the time (by my definition). And in 2 Cor. 12:9-10 it says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." So I guess right now I'm just seeing myself as being weak. But it's the weak that God uses. And through Him we get our strength. So maybe right now is my "time to be weak."
I had more to write about, but now I just can't think of it. I should really write down my ideas of what I want to write about so that I remember them when I get back here...oh well.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The comfort of being an Alien and Stranger
Couple things I've been thinking about the past day or two. Got to see Rachel Logan today (yay! :D). She came up because tomorrow is her fundraiser for doing Relay next year. We had a good talk. We talked about some stuff I was meaning to write about tonight.
I've been thinking and wondering for some time now, if this is really where I am supposed to be. Am I really supposed to be in Coleraine? Am I really supposed to be studying media? I was meant to be here last year, that's for sure, but what about this year? How will I know what I'm meant to do? So I decided to pray about it. I asked God that if He didn't want me here, to please make it so that I wouldn't be able to return. Because I can see no other way out, and I'm not sure if I'm meant to stop anyways. This way, I will know for sure that I was supposed to be out if I am out. So, in a couple of weeks, I have an exam coming up for a class I failed first semester. If I don't pass the exam, I'm out of the course. I'm going to study for it and try as hard as I can to pass, but if I don't, then I will know that I am not supposed to be here. And now the question "then what?" comes up. Then what? Well, last week, I realized that I can no longer consider Poulsbo home. Things are too different. I'm too different. Each of us have moved on with our lives. I will never fit in there again as well as I did before. This means I don't really have somewhere I can call home. When I realized this, I took it quite bitterly. Now, I am looking at it in a more positive light. I was given the opportunity to call somewhere home for two years. That was something I had longed for my entire life. A place to call home. And I got it. And it was a good two years. Something that comforted me was in Ephesians when Paul says that we are "aliens and strangers in this world". So of course I don't have a place to call home here. In a way, I am taking it out of context, but at the same time, I'm not really. My point is, though, if I have no where to call home, if I have no place that I am tied down to, then I am free to go anywhere and do anything. And so, I have a few ideas of what I would like to do if I don't get back into university for this school year (which I am not going to share just yet). The only problem is, I can't let myself get too excited about them just in case I DO pass and end up disappointed about that. But those options will be waiting and are things that I could do in the future. And if they are things that I am meant to do, they will still be there. If they are gone, well then they were never mine to do in the first place and that's ok. But whichever way it goes, I believe it will work out for the best.
Also, I have an interesting story. So the other morning, I was at the Bible reading service at New Horizon, and there was this song that we were singing. As we were singing it, I got a funny feeling that I should send the lyrics OF THE NEXT VERSE OF THE SONG THAT WE HADN'T EVEN SUNG YET to someone. I had never heard the song before, so I was a little confused and didn't really want to do it in case the next verse wasn't any good. Then it came up and it was, so I was like well ok then, but who am I supposed to text it to. And then a name came to me. And I was like "no...that's not a good idea, I've sent her enough texts. I don't want to bother her too much." And it came again. And I thought "really? really? this is just my mind messing with me here. Seriously, I don't want to bother her." The song finished at that point, so I thought "See, it was just my mind. Good thing I didn't text her." Suddenly, the worship leader said "ok, let's do that song again." My jaw dropped. And then the name came to me a third time (three times? interesting...). And this time I thought "well ok then. I'll give it a shot and see what happens." So I did. And I got a reply about 5 minutes later saying that I didn't know how much she had needed to hear that right then. And at first I felt really bad because I almost hadn't sent it. And then I thanked God about how persistent He is and how He is still willing to use me to help people even when I'm being stubborn and don't want to agree with Him.
I've been thinking and wondering for some time now, if this is really where I am supposed to be. Am I really supposed to be in Coleraine? Am I really supposed to be studying media? I was meant to be here last year, that's for sure, but what about this year? How will I know what I'm meant to do? So I decided to pray about it. I asked God that if He didn't want me here, to please make it so that I wouldn't be able to return. Because I can see no other way out, and I'm not sure if I'm meant to stop anyways. This way, I will know for sure that I was supposed to be out if I am out. So, in a couple of weeks, I have an exam coming up for a class I failed first semester. If I don't pass the exam, I'm out of the course. I'm going to study for it and try as hard as I can to pass, but if I don't, then I will know that I am not supposed to be here. And now the question "then what?" comes up. Then what? Well, last week, I realized that I can no longer consider Poulsbo home. Things are too different. I'm too different. Each of us have moved on with our lives. I will never fit in there again as well as I did before. This means I don't really have somewhere I can call home. When I realized this, I took it quite bitterly. Now, I am looking at it in a more positive light. I was given the opportunity to call somewhere home for two years. That was something I had longed for my entire life. A place to call home. And I got it. And it was a good two years. Something that comforted me was in Ephesians when Paul says that we are "aliens and strangers in this world". So of course I don't have a place to call home here. In a way, I am taking it out of context, but at the same time, I'm not really. My point is, though, if I have no where to call home, if I have no place that I am tied down to, then I am free to go anywhere and do anything. And so, I have a few ideas of what I would like to do if I don't get back into university for this school year (which I am not going to share just yet). The only problem is, I can't let myself get too excited about them just in case I DO pass and end up disappointed about that. But those options will be waiting and are things that I could do in the future. And if they are things that I am meant to do, they will still be there. If they are gone, well then they were never mine to do in the first place and that's ok. But whichever way it goes, I believe it will work out for the best.
Also, I have an interesting story. So the other morning, I was at the Bible reading service at New Horizon, and there was this song that we were singing. As we were singing it, I got a funny feeling that I should send the lyrics OF THE NEXT VERSE OF THE SONG THAT WE HADN'T EVEN SUNG YET to someone. I had never heard the song before, so I was a little confused and didn't really want to do it in case the next verse wasn't any good. Then it came up and it was, so I was like well ok then, but who am I supposed to text it to. And then a name came to me. And I was like "no...that's not a good idea, I've sent her enough texts. I don't want to bother her too much." And it came again. And I thought "really? really? this is just my mind messing with me here. Seriously, I don't want to bother her." The song finished at that point, so I thought "See, it was just my mind. Good thing I didn't text her." Suddenly, the worship leader said "ok, let's do that song again." My jaw dropped. And then the name came to me a third time (three times? interesting...). And this time I thought "well ok then. I'll give it a shot and see what happens." So I did. And I got a reply about 5 minutes later saying that I didn't know how much she had needed to hear that right then. And at first I felt really bad because I almost hadn't sent it. And then I thanked God about how persistent He is and how He is still willing to use me to help people even when I'm being stubborn and don't want to agree with Him.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Starfish really do exist
I had some things to say, but I also have a migraine so I will try to keep this short and will maybe write about them later.
The other day, I was walking through the store tent at New Horizon. As I walked along, I was looking at the shelves of books. Not really looking for or at anything in particular, not really wanting to buy anything. One of the books, in particular, caught my eye. It had an interesting cover. I admired the cover for a minute or so and then moved on. I didn't even read the book's title.
That night, I was online and I accidentally came across a blog entry that someone I don't really talk to much anymore (not cause we're on bad terms, just cause it's been a long time) wrote while I was away at Encounter. For some reason it was that person, for some reason it was that blog, for some reason it was that specific entry. That wasn't even the last entry. I couldn't have found it had I tried. But she wrote about freedom. She wrote about trusting in God. She wrote about living for God. She wrote about what Sonship was all about. And then she went on to say that she had been rereading a book and that was what brought up all these thoughts and ideas. The book was called The Irresistible Revolution, by Shane Claiborne. Because I was a bit interested, I looked it up on Google. Coincidentally (no), it was the same book I had looked at earlier that night. So the next day, I went back and bought it.
I have been reading a bit of it today. It's pretty interesting so far, and I think I'm going to update a bit on here if there is anything that I find particularly good.
BUT! The book mentions my starfish story! For some reason, any time I tell people that story, they have never heard it before, but it's in this book! And apparently, it was a story that was made up as an illustration by Mother Theresa, which I didn't realize. But if it was something that she would say, why don't more people know it?
The other day, I was walking through the store tent at New Horizon. As I walked along, I was looking at the shelves of books. Not really looking for or at anything in particular, not really wanting to buy anything. One of the books, in particular, caught my eye. It had an interesting cover. I admired the cover for a minute or so and then moved on. I didn't even read the book's title.
That night, I was online and I accidentally came across a blog entry that someone I don't really talk to much anymore (not cause we're on bad terms, just cause it's been a long time) wrote while I was away at Encounter. For some reason it was that person, for some reason it was that blog, for some reason it was that specific entry. That wasn't even the last entry. I couldn't have found it had I tried. But she wrote about freedom. She wrote about trusting in God. She wrote about living for God. She wrote about what Sonship was all about. And then she went on to say that she had been rereading a book and that was what brought up all these thoughts and ideas. The book was called The Irresistible Revolution, by Shane Claiborne. Because I was a bit interested, I looked it up on Google. Coincidentally (no), it was the same book I had looked at earlier that night. So the next day, I went back and bought it.
I have been reading a bit of it today. It's pretty interesting so far, and I think I'm going to update a bit on here if there is anything that I find particularly good.
BUT! The book mentions my starfish story! For some reason, any time I tell people that story, they have never heard it before, but it's in this book! And apparently, it was a story that was made up as an illustration by Mother Theresa, which I didn't realize. But if it was something that she would say, why don't more people know it?
Monday, July 20, 2009
To bring me to tears
This is probably going to be a long post. It's going to cover many different things. It will most likely require many different emotions too, so I'm sure it will be both interesting and confusing to read. But I guess I just want to write about things that have been on my mind recently, things that I have a hard time saying out loud because they are just too deep and emotional sounding and I would mess it up if I tried to say them. Anyways. I'm just gonna stop writing this now.
I was reading through my blog the other day, and I realized that it can be read through two voices. One of the voices is my voice. It is bouncy and all over the place. It is confusing to read and doesn't make much sense because the thoughts don't flow or I'll say something and not finish it. It's just how I talk. The other voice is deep and dark. It is also my voice, but I think it's the voice of me when I go inside myself. It thinks too much and too deeply. It sounds so very hurt and broken. It knows too much about people. But while I like the deep talking, dark sounding voice, somehow I feel that I can't let it keep going. I need to make it go away. I need to come out of myself. If I don't, somehow, some way, it will end up killing me.
This past week being back from Encounter has been interesting. It seems like I am so much more emotional than I ever have been. Any little thing can just about set me off crying, where previously, it would take so much to do anything, and even then I wouldn't cry. I'll even just be walking down the street and the tears will flow. I never let myself do that. But for some reason, I've been accepting it and just letting myself cry. I still do so in private, don't want anyone to see me, but I am letting myself do it at all. And like this morning, I glanced up and happened to see Rachel and Lorraine, and they just started waving at me like crazy. I almost started sobbing on the spot. It took so much to stop myself from doing that. Everything is getting to me. We'll be singing songs right before the service at New Horizon and I'll find myself tearing up. I'm not too sure what's happening. But I'm feeling everything so much more intensely than I can ever remember feeling it before, whether that's sadness, anger, happiness pain, or even joy.
Tonight, at New Horizon, the speaker was talking about how in Acts, the apostles got in trouble for preaching about Jesus and they ended up getting thrown in prison and then they were beaten and released and told not to preach anymore. And then they rejoiced over the fact that they got beaten for the sake of Jesus. Just to be clear and make sure we got his point, he said something about how they weren't rejoicing because of the PAIN. In a very disgusted tone of voice, he spat out "some people have such sick, twisted minds that they actually get pleasure from pain." It was just the way he said it, the disdain and disgust that he had...it made me feel so very bad and so very ashamed. And in that moment, I lost some respect for that man. I feel kinda bad about that, because he is supposed to be some sort of super important preacher and pastor who has written a lot of books and is really good at preaching. But I guess it's just the thought that, in a way, he judged me and so, so many other people before even meeting us...it just doesn't seem right to me. And I know everyone does it, but I guess just because you don't like something/someone or are disgusted by them, doesn't mean you should verbalize that fact.
When we were working with the Gorey and Wexford church plants, we did a lot of magazine drops to try to get people to come to the church or to at least call the pastors. The funny thing is, when I pass by estates here now, that's what I think about. And then when I'm walking back to my dad and Claire's house, I look at the houses in the street and I want to go put a magazine through theirs letter boxes because they need to know too. But I have no magazines to give them. So I don't know what to do.
When I left for work yesterday morning, it started raining really hard, so I came back in and asked my dad and Claire if I could get a lift. Problem was, they were in their room so we were talking through the door. What I heard was "Louise, just go." So I left. And I was quite bitter and angry too because of the way it was said. Then when I got back to their house after work, they asked why I had left and said that they had got up to give me a lift and I was gone. So I had misunderstood. Later, I realized that I should apologize for being bitter and angry toward them when they didn't even deserve it. But then Claire brought it up again and started talking about how much I had screwed up that morning and how they didn't sleep much the night before and how I had woken them up for no reason by asking for the ride and that I definitely was not her favorite person that morning, so I decided that since she was going to respond that way, I wasn't going to apologize. But that's still the wrong attitude and I know I still need to do so. :/ It just seems like almost everything between me and her turns itself into some sort of problem.
I don't feel like Encounter is over. Well, maybe Encounter as itself is. But for some reason, I keep getting the feeling that it will be started up again. It will be different, but the same basics. Sonship and then outreach teams. And for some reason I keep getting the feeling that it will be started up again by someone who was there this year. And that the World Harvest MAP team will come back out for it again when it does to help run it for that month. But for some reason, I don't think I'm going to be involved. I don't think I'm going to be there. No matter how much I would want to be. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I should trust my feelings.
I think it would be interesting to do Sonship as a nation/world-wide tour type of thing. That would be your job. Use either the one week or two week format, and travel around with your team, leading the talks, doing the disciple-ling, all that stuff, and then after the time is up, move on to the next town. Maybe do one town a month, and that way you could do 12 different places in a year. Get more people involved to make multiple teams, and you can do even more. It would be really cool if it did work, and I really want everyone to be able to learn what we learned and to maybe even start thinking like that. It would be quite incredible. I wonder if it would work out.
While my team went to Wexford and Gorey, the other outreach team went to a place called the Anchorage. When I first heard about Encounter from Rachel, she told me she was doing the Anchorage part and told me a bit about it, and it was mainly hearing about that that made me want to go. Interestingly enough, I was placed on the other team. See, from what I know about the Anchorage, it's a safe place for kids. There are kids clubs there, teen outreach types of things. It's just somewhere safe. And that's what I want to do. I know I talk about media and I'm studying it and I talk about wanting to be a film director, and I do...sort of. But part of me wonders if that's just a false dream. Something concrete. A job that would be concrete. Because I don't want a real job. Not because I'm lazy or don't want to work, I do want to work. But I don't know if what I want to do exists. Mainly because I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't have it all figured out, and everyone thinks I do. That bothers me. It makes me feel like I'm lying to everyone. I'm studying media because if I HAD to have a job, that's what I would do. I'm not studying it because that's what I want to do. I mean it is, but not really. I want to do something worthwhile, something that will help people. I've talked about it before, but not here. For several years now, I've wanted to build this building that is basically like a community center layout. Kitchen, bathrooms, gym type area, outside sports areas like a basketball court and a garden, but then there are also bedrooms and places to do homework. It would be a place where kids can come after school. They can come to play, to do homework, to hang out, to talk, to just be there if that's all they want to do. A place to go when there are bad things at home that they want to get away from. People that care that are willing to be there for them and talk to them. And from what I've heard, that's what the Anchorage is, and that's a big part of why I went to Encounter. I'm not and never was sad that I was put on the other team. There was a reason for that. I could have put in a request for the Anchorage if I really wanted to. But maybe someday I will go down there and see them, and see what they are all about, and see if maybe I can do something to help.
At my new job, there is a lot of standing around time. Many people just buy stuff and leave, so I'm stuck doing nothing. And even when I have stuff to do, I am own my own in the back anyways, clearing tables or washing dishes. In a sense, I am spending about 6+ hours of my day on my own. On my second day of working there, I realized I was thinking too much and needed to get out of my head. The job was supposed to be a distraction, and instead it was an isolation and just causing me to think more. Then suddenly I got a thought. "Just pray." So that was my idea. On my way to and from work, and when I'm back there on my own and have nothing to do or when I'm thinking too much, I'll pray. Normally I don't pray that much, if at all, but now I'm starting to. And it's getting easier and easier to do it too. It's kind of cool. Things are already happening.
It drives me absolutely crazy when there is this concept that I know I should be getting, and in a way I do get it, but it doesn't completely make sense. But then all of a sudden, on some random day, it will click and all make perfect and complete sense. I love that part. That happened today. I was sitting next to Lorraine in the seminar (which was about sex btw...me? in a sex seminar? what. the. heck. I don't even know...), and I don't remember if this was part of it or if I happened to glance at the next page in my Bible and saw the passage, but its always bothered me in parts where it says that the immoral and greedy and all these other bad things won't inherit the Kingdom of God. And I always think but I'm like that, we're all like that. But today I realized that yes, we are like that, but that's where Jesus dying comes in and how when God looks at us and sees Jesus and how we've been made righteous through Him, so God doesn't see the immorality and the greed, He just sees Jesus and so that's how we inherit the Kingdom of God. I was quite excited when that suddenly made sense.
Today was pretty great. Not all of it, but just cause I got to see Lorraine and Rachel. And this morning was the one time that I didn't expect to possibly come across anyone I knew. And I wasn't even sure why I was going. It was mainly because I had nothing better to do and cause I needed to get my exam resit stuff dealt with. But then they were there and as I said I was almost in tears when I saw them. And Lorraine had to leave really soon after to go back down to Dublin because she said she probably shouldn't have gone to New Horizon in the first place, but she still took time to talk to me and hang out a bit and then tonight Rachel was working at the coffee stand thing but she let me stand behind it with her so we could chat and then she drove me home at almost midnight and it's just...amazing. And I don't think they know how much it means to me or how much they mean. And I just can't believe how much they care. It was like...like the day I realized that Ellisha and Rachel L didn't think of me as a dumb, tagalong kid. They thought of me as a friend. It was as amazing as that. And people don't realize. Sometimes they don't even think they are really even going out of their way. But sometimes being there is enough. Sometimes that's all that's important.
I was reading through my blog the other day, and I realized that it can be read through two voices. One of the voices is my voice. It is bouncy and all over the place. It is confusing to read and doesn't make much sense because the thoughts don't flow or I'll say something and not finish it. It's just how I talk. The other voice is deep and dark. It is also my voice, but I think it's the voice of me when I go inside myself. It thinks too much and too deeply. It sounds so very hurt and broken. It knows too much about people. But while I like the deep talking, dark sounding voice, somehow I feel that I can't let it keep going. I need to make it go away. I need to come out of myself. If I don't, somehow, some way, it will end up killing me.
This past week being back from Encounter has been interesting. It seems like I am so much more emotional than I ever have been. Any little thing can just about set me off crying, where previously, it would take so much to do anything, and even then I wouldn't cry. I'll even just be walking down the street and the tears will flow. I never let myself do that. But for some reason, I've been accepting it and just letting myself cry. I still do so in private, don't want anyone to see me, but I am letting myself do it at all. And like this morning, I glanced up and happened to see Rachel and Lorraine, and they just started waving at me like crazy. I almost started sobbing on the spot. It took so much to stop myself from doing that. Everything is getting to me. We'll be singing songs right before the service at New Horizon and I'll find myself tearing up. I'm not too sure what's happening. But I'm feeling everything so much more intensely than I can ever remember feeling it before, whether that's sadness, anger, happiness pain, or even joy.
Tonight, at New Horizon, the speaker was talking about how in Acts, the apostles got in trouble for preaching about Jesus and they ended up getting thrown in prison and then they were beaten and released and told not to preach anymore. And then they rejoiced over the fact that they got beaten for the sake of Jesus. Just to be clear and make sure we got his point, he said something about how they weren't rejoicing because of the PAIN. In a very disgusted tone of voice, he spat out "some people have such sick, twisted minds that they actually get pleasure from pain." It was just the way he said it, the disdain and disgust that he had...it made me feel so very bad and so very ashamed. And in that moment, I lost some respect for that man. I feel kinda bad about that, because he is supposed to be some sort of super important preacher and pastor who has written a lot of books and is really good at preaching. But I guess it's just the thought that, in a way, he judged me and so, so many other people before even meeting us...it just doesn't seem right to me. And I know everyone does it, but I guess just because you don't like something/someone or are disgusted by them, doesn't mean you should verbalize that fact.
When we were working with the Gorey and Wexford church plants, we did a lot of magazine drops to try to get people to come to the church or to at least call the pastors. The funny thing is, when I pass by estates here now, that's what I think about. And then when I'm walking back to my dad and Claire's house, I look at the houses in the street and I want to go put a magazine through theirs letter boxes because they need to know too. But I have no magazines to give them. So I don't know what to do.
When I left for work yesterday morning, it started raining really hard, so I came back in and asked my dad and Claire if I could get a lift. Problem was, they were in their room so we were talking through the door. What I heard was "Louise, just go." So I left. And I was quite bitter and angry too because of the way it was said. Then when I got back to their house after work, they asked why I had left and said that they had got up to give me a lift and I was gone. So I had misunderstood. Later, I realized that I should apologize for being bitter and angry toward them when they didn't even deserve it. But then Claire brought it up again and started talking about how much I had screwed up that morning and how they didn't sleep much the night before and how I had woken them up for no reason by asking for the ride and that I definitely was not her favorite person that morning, so I decided that since she was going to respond that way, I wasn't going to apologize. But that's still the wrong attitude and I know I still need to do so. :/ It just seems like almost everything between me and her turns itself into some sort of problem.
I don't feel like Encounter is over. Well, maybe Encounter as itself is. But for some reason, I keep getting the feeling that it will be started up again. It will be different, but the same basics. Sonship and then outreach teams. And for some reason I keep getting the feeling that it will be started up again by someone who was there this year. And that the World Harvest MAP team will come back out for it again when it does to help run it for that month. But for some reason, I don't think I'm going to be involved. I don't think I'm going to be there. No matter how much I would want to be. Sometimes I'm not sure how much I should trust my feelings.
I think it would be interesting to do Sonship as a nation/world-wide tour type of thing. That would be your job. Use either the one week or two week format, and travel around with your team, leading the talks, doing the disciple-ling, all that stuff, and then after the time is up, move on to the next town. Maybe do one town a month, and that way you could do 12 different places in a year. Get more people involved to make multiple teams, and you can do even more. It would be really cool if it did work, and I really want everyone to be able to learn what we learned and to maybe even start thinking like that. It would be quite incredible. I wonder if it would work out.
While my team went to Wexford and Gorey, the other outreach team went to a place called the Anchorage. When I first heard about Encounter from Rachel, she told me she was doing the Anchorage part and told me a bit about it, and it was mainly hearing about that that made me want to go. Interestingly enough, I was placed on the other team. See, from what I know about the Anchorage, it's a safe place for kids. There are kids clubs there, teen outreach types of things. It's just somewhere safe. And that's what I want to do. I know I talk about media and I'm studying it and I talk about wanting to be a film director, and I do...sort of. But part of me wonders if that's just a false dream. Something concrete. A job that would be concrete. Because I don't want a real job. Not because I'm lazy or don't want to work, I do want to work. But I don't know if what I want to do exists. Mainly because I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't have it all figured out, and everyone thinks I do. That bothers me. It makes me feel like I'm lying to everyone. I'm studying media because if I HAD to have a job, that's what I would do. I'm not studying it because that's what I want to do. I mean it is, but not really. I want to do something worthwhile, something that will help people. I've talked about it before, but not here. For several years now, I've wanted to build this building that is basically like a community center layout. Kitchen, bathrooms, gym type area, outside sports areas like a basketball court and a garden, but then there are also bedrooms and places to do homework. It would be a place where kids can come after school. They can come to play, to do homework, to hang out, to talk, to just be there if that's all they want to do. A place to go when there are bad things at home that they want to get away from. People that care that are willing to be there for them and talk to them. And from what I've heard, that's what the Anchorage is, and that's a big part of why I went to Encounter. I'm not and never was sad that I was put on the other team. There was a reason for that. I could have put in a request for the Anchorage if I really wanted to. But maybe someday I will go down there and see them, and see what they are all about, and see if maybe I can do something to help.
At my new job, there is a lot of standing around time. Many people just buy stuff and leave, so I'm stuck doing nothing. And even when I have stuff to do, I am own my own in the back anyways, clearing tables or washing dishes. In a sense, I am spending about 6+ hours of my day on my own. On my second day of working there, I realized I was thinking too much and needed to get out of my head. The job was supposed to be a distraction, and instead it was an isolation and just causing me to think more. Then suddenly I got a thought. "Just pray." So that was my idea. On my way to and from work, and when I'm back there on my own and have nothing to do or when I'm thinking too much, I'll pray. Normally I don't pray that much, if at all, but now I'm starting to. And it's getting easier and easier to do it too. It's kind of cool. Things are already happening.
It drives me absolutely crazy when there is this concept that I know I should be getting, and in a way I do get it, but it doesn't completely make sense. But then all of a sudden, on some random day, it will click and all make perfect and complete sense. I love that part. That happened today. I was sitting next to Lorraine in the seminar (which was about sex btw...me? in a sex seminar? what. the. heck. I don't even know...), and I don't remember if this was part of it or if I happened to glance at the next page in my Bible and saw the passage, but its always bothered me in parts where it says that the immoral and greedy and all these other bad things won't inherit the Kingdom of God. And I always think but I'm like that, we're all like that. But today I realized that yes, we are like that, but that's where Jesus dying comes in and how when God looks at us and sees Jesus and how we've been made righteous through Him, so God doesn't see the immorality and the greed, He just sees Jesus and so that's how we inherit the Kingdom of God. I was quite excited when that suddenly made sense.
Today was pretty great. Not all of it, but just cause I got to see Lorraine and Rachel. And this morning was the one time that I didn't expect to possibly come across anyone I knew. And I wasn't even sure why I was going. It was mainly because I had nothing better to do and cause I needed to get my exam resit stuff dealt with. But then they were there and as I said I was almost in tears when I saw them. And Lorraine had to leave really soon after to go back down to Dublin because she said she probably shouldn't have gone to New Horizon in the first place, but she still took time to talk to me and hang out a bit and then tonight Rachel was working at the coffee stand thing but she let me stand behind it with her so we could chat and then she drove me home at almost midnight and it's just...amazing. And I don't think they know how much it means to me or how much they mean. And I just can't believe how much they care. It was like...like the day I realized that Ellisha and Rachel L didn't think of me as a dumb, tagalong kid. They thought of me as a friend. It was as amazing as that. And people don't realize. Sometimes they don't even think they are really even going out of their way. But sometimes being there is enough. Sometimes that's all that's important.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Hello, I can hear your hurt. Who are you?
My dad's office smells like dust and old books. The room is quite dimly lit, but the harsh glare from my laptop screen more than makes up for that and adds to the slight headache that was caused by the bright flood lights in the New Horizon main tent. It is a cold, quiet night. Everything is peaceful.
And yet, somewhere out there, someone is crying themselves to sleep. The pain is too much for them to bear.
Somewhere out there, someone is having a great night out. But inwardly they hurt so much. And they can't tell anyone.
Somewhere out there, someone is having their first kiss. The perfect end to their first date. But that's not the way they wanted it to happen.
Somewhere out there, someone has decided that it's not worth it anymore. Nobody cares enough. That's it.
And somehow, we're all connected. And somehow, I can feel their suffering. And for some reason, my heart aches for these people. People I will never know or meet. People that I'm connected to for a brief moment in time. And then it's gone.
And I want to make it all better. I want to fix it. I want it to go away and never bother them again. I want things to be ok. I want for them to not hurt anymore.
But I don't even know who they are...
And there is nothing I can do but pray. And it kills me because I'll never know who they are or if everything turned out ok.
All I can do is pray. But maybe that's the best thing to do anyway.
And yet, somewhere out there, someone is crying themselves to sleep. The pain is too much for them to bear.
Somewhere out there, someone is having a great night out. But inwardly they hurt so much. And they can't tell anyone.
Somewhere out there, someone is having their first kiss. The perfect end to their first date. But that's not the way they wanted it to happen.
Somewhere out there, someone has decided that it's not worth it anymore. Nobody cares enough. That's it.
And somehow, we're all connected. And somehow, I can feel their suffering. And for some reason, my heart aches for these people. People I will never know or meet. People that I'm connected to for a brief moment in time. And then it's gone.
And I want to make it all better. I want to fix it. I want it to go away and never bother them again. I want things to be ok. I want for them to not hurt anymore.
But I don't even know who they are...
And there is nothing I can do but pray. And it kills me because I'll never know who they are or if everything turned out ok.
All I can do is pray. But maybe that's the best thing to do anyway.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
No words
I have so much to say, and yet no words to express myself with.
When the time is right, I shall try to collect my thoughts and write them down in such a way that I can be understood.
I just want you to know that I'm doing fine, though. Things are so much better right now.
“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
When the time is right, I shall try to collect my thoughts and write them down in such a way that I can be understood.
I just want you to know that I'm doing fine, though. Things are so much better right now.
“So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”
The Perks of Being a Wallflower - Stephen Chbosky
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
When life treats you like a diet coke
I was doing some thinking today while sitting on the bus on the way to and from my driving test. I passed by the way. Passed by a lot. It was quite a nice feeling. I needed the victory right now. Anyway, I was reading and listening to music and thinking at the same time. It's funny how sometimes I can do all three and still be able to pay attention to each individually at the same time. I realized what it is that I really want, what it is that I've been missing, and why it was so hard to come back here to my dad and Claire's house. I want to be wanted, to be loved and cared about. I mean, I am...in some ways. But I want to know I'm wanted. I want it to be clear. I want somewhere that is mine. Not just a bed and closet in my sister's room. A bed that she takes over when I'm not here. I want to belong. I want to say "my family" instead of just "the family". I want to say "my house" instead of "my dad and Claire's house". I feel like...when I go to a fast food restaurant and order a meal, I either get the food without the drink, or I pass the drink off to someone else because I don't drink soda. Sure, I'm getting what I want, but along with it, I'm getting something I don't want. It's not costing me any extra really, it's not even that big of a deal. I'm just getting something I don't really want that much. That's what I feel like. I feel like that drink. Claire's meal came with me on the side and now she has to deal with that.
Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm not being fair. All I know is, this month I caught a glimpse of something beautiful and it was so so hard to leave it. I don't want to lose that. I want it to stay forever.
I just want to be wanted.
Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I'm not being fair. All I know is, this month I caught a glimpse of something beautiful and it was so so hard to leave it. I don't want to lose that. I want it to stay forever.
I just want to be wanted.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Why did I move to Ireland?
Wow. I'm pretty stunned right now. Today was crap. I washed dishes for about two hours in a place I don't know, working with people I just met. Then it took me forever to get back to my dad and Claire's because traffic was terrible and the roads were so crowded with holiday makers and people wanting to go to the circus. I was almost in tears basically all day. I spent the evening uploading pictures to facebook and working on my driving exam stuff because my test is in the morning. Then, just as I was about to go downstairs to get a snack, my cousin came online. I haven't talked to him in about a year. I feel terrible about it because he and I are great friends, but it just seems like I've been avoiding a lot of people from America. I only talk to a few of them. That's a habit I need to change this year and try to sort out those relationships. I guess even though I care about them all so much, it was just easier to not talk to them at all rather than let them know how bad of a time I was going through last year. Anyways, Josh and I have been really good friends since we were little kids. We were always each others favorite. I think a big part of why we bonded so much is because in a way, we are the family scapegoats. I do admit that it is partially our own fault...being pranksters has it's consequences. His mom says that she thinks that Josh and I are the smartest ones in the family though and that's why we get picked on, we intimidate the others. Especially my grandmother. I'm not sure if that's true or not though...I can be pretty dumb sometimes. Anyways, Josh started talking to me, and I almost considered not answering and just going downstairs. Then I decided that that was a jerk move and that I should talk to him this time. Eventually, the conversation led to this:
2:50pm Josh
why did u move to ireland
2:50pm Louise
cause my dad wanted me to
2:50pm Josh
no
2:50pm Louise
I moved like a year ago...remember?
2:50pm Josh
God wanted u to
ur dad had nothing to do about it
2:51pm Louise
where is this coming from?
2:51pm Josh
God wanted me to say this
It was just...so random. I mean...why? Where did that even come from? We had been talking about school and what he was doing next year and then it was just that. But it got me thinking...all the stuff that led up to me being here, then CU, then Encounter, etc...but still, anytime I'm asked why I live in Ireland, I say it's because my dad wanted me to come. I mean, that's true, it is. It was important to him to keep the family together. I could have said no if I wanted. I could have lived with friends and went to OC and continued working at Dairy Queen. I really did not want to come here or have anything to do with it. But I came anyway. I often ask myself why. I often wonder how my dad wanting me to was possibly a good enough reason for me to give up my life and my friends and almost everything that was important to me. But maybe it was more than that. Maybe it's time to start giving God a bit more credit.
2:50pm Josh
why did u move to ireland
2:50pm Louise
cause my dad wanted me to
2:50pm Josh
no
2:50pm Louise
I moved like a year ago...remember?
2:50pm Josh
God wanted u to
ur dad had nothing to do about it
2:51pm Louise
where is this coming from?
2:51pm Josh
God wanted me to say this
It was just...so random. I mean...why? Where did that even come from? We had been talking about school and what he was doing next year and then it was just that. But it got me thinking...all the stuff that led up to me being here, then CU, then Encounter, etc...but still, anytime I'm asked why I live in Ireland, I say it's because my dad wanted me to come. I mean, that's true, it is. It was important to him to keep the family together. I could have said no if I wanted. I could have lived with friends and went to OC and continued working at Dairy Queen. I really did not want to come here or have anything to do with it. But I came anyway. I often ask myself why. I often wonder how my dad wanting me to was possibly a good enough reason for me to give up my life and my friends and almost everything that was important to me. But maybe it was more than that. Maybe it's time to start giving God a bit more credit.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Right before leaving for Encounter, I noticed that I was starting to get a bit snappish and defensive around my dad and Claire. It's almost as if I expect everything they say to be a criticism or a complaint and so I instantly take the defensive and try to make sure I am right. Even though I noticed this before I left and thought about it so much and wanted to try hard to stop, I can't seem to. I could make tons of excuses here and say it's because I'm tired or something, but honestly, it's not. I guess it is just something I have grown to expect and so now I'm just being a jerk. It needs to stop. Instead of making things worse I should be trying to make them better. It's just not cool. This is definitely something I need to work a bit harder on.
I'll try to write something substantial and about the trip later. I'm just so tired right now it's not even funny. Tired and frustrated and something else. I guess in some ways, as I said in our debrief, I still feel like "soup".
I'll try to write something substantial and about the trip later. I'm just so tired right now it's not even funny. Tired and frustrated and something else. I guess in some ways, as I said in our debrief, I still feel like "soup".
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