Breaking off the masks

I wrote before about people being blind. But what if they really aren't? What if it only looks like they don't see because they don't know what to do? But that's not the case with everyone because some people really just don't notice things. But also, what if everyone is the same? What if everyone thinks they see things and they think that everyone else doesn't, that everyone else is blind? I'm not sure.

I can see them though. See things that most other people don't notice. Don't notice or just don't pay attention to because they don't want to see them. It's so easy to fool people. They only see what they want to see. So if you give even a SLIGHT semblance that things are ok, then that is all they see. But I can see deeper than that. I can see through people, see through their masks. And it scares them. So I stay quiet. I don't talk because I don't want to scare them away. But if you just watch...their gait, the way they talk, the way they look, their posture, the way they are when they speak to their friends, the way they look when conversation is paused and their friends glance away for a second. It tells exactly who they really are. Whether they are happy or sad. Whether they have had a dark, painful secret or whether they just don't have a sob story. Because not everyone does. And yet everyone tries to. And so I watch people.

When I have nothing to do, I walk into town to watch people. To figure out their stories. But always take a camera. Because when you have a camera, nobody questions you. When you have a camera, you're obviously just there to take pictures. You're in the background and it's not a big deal. It's the easiest way to hide or be alone. I think only one person has seen through this so far, but I'm not even sure if she really did or if she just came to up to chat. If you have a camera, people can place you in the world. You're just a photographer. And because they can name you, it's more comforting to them and they won't feel out of place.

I always come back from watching people feeling kind of sad. Because there is just so much pain. And I can't do anything about it. But I stay quiet because nobody wants their mask cracked open. Nobody wants to be seen through. That's why they have a mask. It's safer that way. People who are good at faking make me the most sad though. Because they are the ones that almost nobody can see through. Everyone thinks they are the happiest people around. But they really aren't. I talked to one recently. One of my friends is really good at faking. And I told her. I don't know why I did, but I told her she was. I told her she looked sadder than usual. She asked me why I said "than usual". So I told her that I thought she was always sad and just didn't want people to know. She wanted me to tell her more. So I told her what I thought she was like. She said she was surprised I could see that and at the same time, touched that I cared enough to look for it. She told me to talk more, to tell more people who they are. To name them I guess.

I've met so many people recently who try to hide. There's this one girl, she's so very insecure. She isn't sure what to think or do. And yet it comes across that she does. She has a nervous laugh though, and that gives her away. And a lot of times she won't laugh until everyone else does, or she'll do what I do and laugh at awkward moments to try to ease up tension and make everything ok. I don't know her very well though so I can't say much. Then there's another. She's been hurt. But I don't know by what. It's quite a deep hurt. She has this thing where she'll just stare. But it's only for a couple seconds and it's not long enough for anyone to really notice. But in that couple seconds, her eyes get really sad. Then she catches herself and snaps back to reality. She is so strong on the outside. So caring. I'm kind of looking forward to getting to know her a bit better this year. I really liked her. There's a boy. Tall, strong, quiet. But he's not really. He can be fun and crazy and talk a lot. He likes deep conversations. But...there's something not right. And I didn't have enough time to figure out what. It wasn't just time though...in some way I just didn't really want to. I mean...he's a lot like my dad, and I guess that kinda scared me sometimes.