When failing becomes a dream

Couple things that aren't so good (or just that I need to pay attention to) that I'm just going to write down so I can try to keep in check.

First of all, I'm getting WAY too excited about the possibility of failing my exam and getting kicked out of my course. Actually, I'm excited about what I would want to do if that did happen, but still, I need to slow down on that and try hard not to fail. Need to think about the good things next year will bring if I do stay here.

Second of all, I need to/am going to have a conversation with Claire and my dad. Maybe tomorrow. Letting them know how I feel about how things are and what's been going on and how they make me feel. That should be interesting. And long and emotional too. Sounds...fun. Not really. But for some reason I'm feeling ok about it. It needs to be done anyways. Maybe I'll tell my dad about last November too...we'll see. It definitely needs to be done in the next couple days, cause they leave really early Monday morning/late Sunday night.



Today I just about cleaned out my bank account. I've been way behind on my tithe, so I pulled all the money today and gave it. Actually, I have a special way of tithing so I don't even know how much I give lol. It's kinda funny, but I guess my thinking comes from Matthew where is says to not let your left hand know what your right is giving. But as it is, I'm down to a couple pounds in my wallet, and maybe none in the bank. I have enough to get me to and from work this week, but when Monday comes around, I'm not sure what's going to happen. And strangely, I'm feeling ok about that too. Because I know something will work out and I'll be able to get there and back no problem.


Also, something I find interesting is my crying. Yes, I know I'm writing about this again. But I guess...I was talking to a couple of people about it, and the thing is, I've always seen crying as weakness. That's just what it is to me I guess. If I can't control my own emotions, I'm just being weak. So then, if I'm crying all the time, I'm being weak all the time (by my definition). And in 2 Cor. 12:9-10 it says "But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." So I guess right now I'm just seeing myself as being weak. But it's the weak that God uses. And through Him we get our strength. So maybe right now is my "time to be weak."


I had more to write about, but now I just can't think of it. I should really write down my ideas of what I want to write about so that I remember them when I get back here...oh well.