The comfort of being an Alien and Stranger

Couple things I've been thinking about the past day or two. Got to see Rachel Logan today (yay! :D). She came up because tomorrow is her fundraiser for doing Relay next year. We had a good talk. We talked about some stuff I was meaning to write about tonight.

I've been thinking and wondering for some time now, if this is really where I am supposed to be. Am I really supposed to be in Coleraine? Am I really supposed to be studying media? I was meant to be here last year, that's for sure, but what about this year? How will I know what I'm meant to do? So I decided to pray about it. I asked God that if He didn't want me here, to please make it so that I wouldn't be able to return. Because I can see no other way out, and I'm not sure if I'm meant to stop anyways. This way, I will know for sure that I was supposed to be out if I am out. So, in a couple of weeks, I have an exam coming up for a class I failed first semester. If I don't pass the exam, I'm out of the course. I'm going to study for it and try as hard as I can to pass, but if I don't, then I will know that I am not supposed to be here. And now the question "then what?" comes up. Then what? Well, last week, I realized that I can no longer consider Poulsbo home. Things are too different. I'm too different. Each of us have moved on with our lives. I will never fit in there again as well as I did before. This means I don't really have somewhere I can call home. When I realized this, I took it quite bitterly. Now, I am looking at it in a more positive light. I was given the opportunity to call somewhere home for two years. That was something I had longed for my entire life. A place to call home. And I got it. And it was a good two years. Something that comforted me was in Ephesians when Paul says that we are "aliens and strangers in this world". So of course I don't have a place to call home here. In a way, I am taking it out of context, but at the same time, I'm not really. My point is, though, if I have no where to call home, if I have no place that I am tied down to, then I am free to go anywhere and do anything. And so, I have a few ideas of what I would like to do if I don't get back into university for this school year (which I am not going to share just yet). The only problem is, I can't let myself get too excited about them just in case I DO pass and end up disappointed about that. But those options will be waiting and are things that I could do in the future. And if they are things that I am meant to do, they will still be there. If they are gone, well then they were never mine to do in the first place and that's ok. But whichever way it goes, I believe it will work out for the best.


Also, I have an interesting story. So the other morning, I was at the Bible reading service at New Horizon, and there was this song that we were singing. As we were singing it, I got a funny feeling that I should send the lyrics OF THE NEXT VERSE OF THE SONG THAT WE HADN'T EVEN SUNG YET to someone. I had never heard the song before, so I was a little confused and didn't really want to do it in case the next verse wasn't any good. Then it came up and it was, so I was like well ok then, but who am I supposed to text it to. And then a name came to me. And I was like "no...that's not a good idea, I've sent her enough texts. I don't want to bother her too much." And it came again. And I thought "really? really? this is just my mind messing with me here. Seriously, I don't want to bother her." The song finished at that point, so I thought "See, it was just my mind. Good thing I didn't text her." Suddenly, the worship leader said "ok, let's do that song again." My jaw dropped. And then the name came to me a third time (three times? interesting...). And this time I thought "well ok then. I'll give it a shot and see what happens." So I did. And I got a reply about 5 minutes later saying that I didn't know how much she had needed to hear that right then. And at first I felt really bad because I almost hadn't sent it. And then I thanked God about how persistent He is and how He is still willing to use me to help people even when I'm being stubborn and don't want to agree with Him.