Favorite Songs

I don't feel up to writing another blog post tonight so I'm copying over what I wrote on myspace:



A little over a month ago I started a journal. After writing several pages a day, I haven't written in it for about two weeks. Thats because something happened that I'm not going to go into here, but I don't feel like I can continue honestly writing the journal until that is over. That is why I am writing this blog.

I'm sitting here in this small, standard student room that for the next year or so I am expected to call 'mine'. It is quite simple but it has essentially everything I need. I think that is all that matters. I'm listening to music I have never listened to before by artists I have either never heard of or simply never heard. But somehow the music is familiar. Somehow I know it. Somehow it is not new music, but rather old music. It is hitting a spot that can only be reached when I pay attention to the music specifically and I'm not doing anything else. It makes me wonder about things.

Happiness.

Sadness.

Life.

Music.

Hope.

Love.

Friends.

I'm not really in any sort of mood. I don't think I have been since I got here. What I mean by that is a general mood, not one that just happens in the moment. I can't say I'm mostly happy, I can't say I'm mostly sad, I can't say I'm mostly angry. But I find myself wondering, am I a happy person with a lot of sad times? Or am I a sad person with a lot of happy times? Or am I both? Or neither? I think I could be all four. That may not make any sense, but I think thats ok because it doesn't really make complete sense to me either. But I think everybody can understand it in some way. Maybe not consciously, but there will be a small part of them that understands even if its for a fraction of a second. I know I'm not happy, I know I haven't been since I got here. But I'm not sad either. I'm not angry, I'm not upset. I'm not depressed and I don't think I'm regretting the decision to stay. Even though I'm not sad or angry or upset or depressed, I still find myself doing things to possibly keep that at bay. I listen to the same old songs and do the same old things. I almost can't go an hour without hearing from someone from back home. It drives me crazy to not know whats going on, not know how everyones life is. And when I do know and if things are not good, then it drives me crazy that I can't be there to help. I spend hours a day on photoshop just drawing pictures or learning new things from internet tutorials because I can't deal with just sitting around and doing nothing. I need to be doing something that distracts me from my thoughts and the mood I could possibly get into. I do all this crazy stuff and make everyone laugh and think to themselves "what is she going to do next?" But that is only because I don't like not being in a mood and I want to be happy. Maybe by laughing along with everyone else I can believe I am. By making them smile I can make myself smile. By making a fool of myself I can laugh along with them.

And I guess the question I have to ask myself now is what am I doing? Where am I going from here? I really don't know the answer to that question. I wish I did. I know I've said it several times, but I really do need to just take each day as it comes and let tomorrow take care of itself. I need to stop looking at tomorrow and the good or bad things that it may bring. Because tomorrow will always have a tomorrow and things will always be better or worse than they are right now. So there really is no point in thinking about it. But thinking that, knowing that, and even practising that doesn't just make everything ok.

A favorite song never gets old or forgotten. I guess thats something that I just need to try to remember.