Note: if you don't want to read all the way through this, skip down to the bottom and read the last paragraph. Theres something there that you should hear.
You know, honestly, I am a horrible person. There is nothing you can say that is going to make me change my mind about that. And its not me being negative either. I'm not in an upset mood or anything that is making me think like this. Its just true. I'm not always nice, I don't always do the right thing, I do things that I KNOW I'm not supposed to do, I don't always treat people the way they should be treated, I can talk garbage sometimes, I let myself put things into my mind that I know I shouldn't, and I don't always do the things that I know I should. And maybe you're thinking that everyone is like that. But how does that make it ok? Why is it ok for me to do those things just because everyone else does? Its not ok. Its just as bad. Maybe even worse because I call myself a christian. I don't always act the way a christian should. I know that. I don't talk the way a christian should. I don't do the things a christian should. I don't read the Bible. I rarely pray. I don't go to church anymore. I'm not attending any sort of Bible study or christian type function. I know it would be very easy to change all that and I've told myself over and over again that I'm going to. At first it was I'd go back to church when summer was over and I came over here, then it was I'd go back once school started and I'd figured out my workload, then after basketball was over, then when I didn't do basketball it was when I got a job. Theres just one thing after another, one excuse after another as to why I shouldn't be going to church. I only really need one reason to go to church but I'm not going anyway. Even if I was, how would that make me a good person? It really wouldn't. There are people who go to church and who call themselves christians but that doesn't mean they really are. I'm pretty sure you can be a christian and not go to church. In my opinion its about faith. But how long can faith really last on its own. Thats what I'm wondering. Maybe you could liken it to a flame...like...a fire is full of flames. So maybe thats the church. But when a single match is on its own, it burns out quickly. Especially when its around things that like to extinguish fire like water and wind. So maybe thats the world. I don't know. I have seen enough, heard enough, and experienced enough to know that I would be an idiot to not believe there is a God. I have almost died numorous times. If you want the sob stories, I can give you them. If you want the spiritual experience stories, I can give you those too. If you want the facts and basics of christianity, I can rattle them off one after another. Maybe I'll get waved off as some religious nutcase. I sure hope not. But what does religious really mean anyway? Here I could pull out the old phrase "I don't have a religion, I have a relationship". But everyone knows that a relationship is two sided and if one side isn't doing their part then it doesn't exist. So does that make me not a christian? Or does that just mean that two old friends have lost contact and drifted apart but when they meet up again everything will be where they left off? I'm really not sure about that either. These past couple months I keep writing and asking the question "Where do I go from here?" In all honesty, I know the answer to that question. I always have. I wrote it once. To quote myself in my journal:
Basically I have two choices. Theoretically I have three. The two choices are as I stated above, I can be a christian or I can not. The third choice is the choice to not make a decision. The choice to do nothing. That is essentially the choice to not be a christian though and that is why I basically only have two choices. Two of them lead one way and the last leads another. I know what I should choose, I know what I want to choose, but its buckling down and doing all the things involved with the choice that make me waver.
It was a Wednesday night almost a year ago. I had just gotten home from Youth group. My dad wasn't around for some reason. He was probably overseas as usual. I remember being upset about something that night. I can't remember specifically what. I turned to my usual medium and went on the internet in search of help, browsing through google and random websites to hopefully find someone that could understand me, someone who I could relate through and who had been through what I've been through. Somehow I ended up on youtube. Somehow I came across a video. I don't remember how, I don't remember why, I don't even remember what website I was on. I had forgotten the man in the video until tonight. The only thing I really remembered was one part of his message. I remember it being an hour long. I remember sending it to a bunch of people as well. I remember being shocked that I, as a high school student, would sit at home and just watch and listen to an hour long sermon out of choice. Not doing anything else that I could be doing, tv, reading, talking with friends, myspace. Just sitting and listening to the sermon. It was probably the most amazing sermon I've ever heard in my life. It changed a lot of the ways in which I looked at things. I'm going to post the link here and I hope some people will look at it, but the fact that it is an hour long probably just turned off everybody. But I did find a shortened version. I found a video of the only part that I remembered. Its only 3 minutes long. I mean seriously, what is 3 minutes? If it inspires you to listen to the rest of it I would advise you to do so because it really is very amazing.
I'm pretty sure most of you don't know the personal battles I have been fighting the past few weeks. I hinted at it a little bit further up when I gave a peak into my journal. A lot of it has to do with self discovery and realizing who I really am and who I am going to become. Most of the time I'm not really sure if I'm happy about that because I'm not sure if I like who I am. As I said above I really am a horrible person. I don't treat people right and I don't do what I am supposed to do and I do what I'm not supposed to do. And while the easy answer would be to change that, I don't completely know how. And so I distract myself with meaningless crap as I said above. No, I'm not doing alcohol and drugs and all those things. For me its photoshop. And music. And movies and video games and all that stuff. Talking to people. All those things are worthwhile. They really are. But...if you're using them so you can distract yourself from other things...if I'm using them so that I can focus on them and try to forget that I'm supposed to be focusing on God, that really isn't good. Its actually really bad. And now is the part where I get to call myself an idiot. Because I know this stuff. I've had the 'answers' drilled into me since I was a little kid. I know the Bible stories. I know the reasons. I know that Jesus came down and died for the sins of the world. I have the head knowledge of all that. And then add in the experiences. I've faced the supernatural. I've seen miracles...hell, it seriously is a miracle that I'm still alive today. I've seen enough, heard enough, talked to enough people. How can I NOT be a christian? Can I blame human nature? By saying I'm a christian that means that I believe in the Bible. It also means that I'm supposed to believe the Bible is 100% accurate. By this logic, it means that I believe that human nature is generally evil. There is no good in this world except for through God. Your first reaction to that statement is going to be 'thats not really true, people are pretty good.' That is what mine was. But think about it a little more closely and maybe your response will change. But if humans are inherently evil, then is that why I am not acting christian and doing all the christian actions? But these 'christian actions', they in themselves aren't what make you a christian. And so its all super confusing I guess. But its also very simple at the same time. Because "Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and you shall be saved". Thats technically all there is to it. Unless I'm very wrong. But you can NEVER be truly happy if God wants you and you haven't let Him get you yet. Never. I know I haven't been the greatest christian example. I know I haven't been a good one at all. I don't talk about my faith. I'm pretty sure I don't show it in the way that I act. I don't even know if any of my friends that aren't christian even know I am. If they do know that I'm a christian they probably just think I'm like all the other regular christian kids. Nothing special. But you know, I want to be different. I want to be something special. I want to be able to show people that I have something that they don't have. But I want to be able to show it in a way that they can know that they can get it too. I want to be a witness. I want to stand out in the crowd. I want people to look at me and think "theres something different about her." I want to die a martyr. Seriously, I do. I have ever since I was a little kid. And I hope its horrible and bloody. And I hope its on the news and because of it other people become christians. But not because of me. In some ways I hope if that does happen that my body would be so mutilated nobody would know who it was. But that they would know WHY that person was murdered so brutally. And I know that that is creepy and gross and I know that people are going to be shocked that I would say such a thing, but you know, I don't really care. It really...its not about me. Its not supposed to be about me. Ever.
I am not a nice person. I am mean and selfish and stuck up and think only about myself and I don't like it when things don't go my way. I want the biggest piece of chocolate or the shiniest toy or the kite with the coolest colors. And its not fair at all when I don't get it because I deserve it for being ME. Because there is no reason that I shouldn't get what I want.
But my life is not a movie about me. Other people are not minor characters. They are just as important as I am. Not more important, not less important. Equal to.
If you've made it all the way through thanks for reading and giving me a chance to be honest.
Heres the short video I was talking about earlier:
Heres the link to the full version if you feel like you want to hear it:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=uuabITeO4l8
If that doesn't work just search for Paul Washer and it should be one of the first things that comes up.
Anyway, I am feeling a bit humbled right now and I'm not sure what I really want to do or what I'm going to do. I might take a couple days to myself so if you don't hear from me for the next few days you don't need to worry because I really am ok, I just need to sort a couple things out. If you feel like you want to talk though you can always try calling me. I'm not sure yet if I'm going to leave my computer on or off. I figure I will decide in the morning after I've had some time to think. But I just want to say thanks for being there for me and for listening to what I have to say and for caring enough to listen in the first place. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for letting me be a part of your life and play my small part in it. Thank you for everything, my friend. I pray that someday I will be able to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
You're so important to me. Never ever forget that.
No comments:
Post a Comment