I Am Me: When being someone else becomes too much

I'm not quite sure how I feel.

I'm feeling everything at once, every single emotion, pushing and tugging at me in a never ending battle to come out on top.

I can't breathe.

It feels like there's something in the top on my chest and throat, blocking off the air supply, wrapping it's cold fingers around my neck and squeezing until I quit.

But I can't quit.

When things are too hard to deal with, the numbers come. It's a distraction, self-preservation, a life saver.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5...2, 4, 6, 8, 10...1, 3, 5, 7, 9...5, 7, 11, 17, 23...

Day after day I grin and tell everyone that everything is going to be ok, tell myself that everything is going to be ok.

And maybe it won't be, but I can't quit.

Most of me doesn't feel this. Most of me doesn't care. It feels nothing and just laughs at the problems my emotions have to face.

Deep down I know this is a cover-up. Deep down I know that if I let it care, everything will be too much, it will care too much.

Maybe someday I'll let it care. Someday.

Until then, I despise myself.

2x2=4
2x3=6
2x4=8
2x5=10