I felt like crap today for no particular reason. Felt like crying for no particular reason. I feel like my dad when my mom died, he'd just be sitting there, and then suddenly the tears would just start flowing. Except that his tears made sense.
I keep forgetting my mom died. It sort of started at Encounter. We would learn something or I would do something and then my first thought would be "oh man, I can't wait to get back and talk to mommy about this." And then it would take me a moment, but I would eventually realize what I had just thought. Or I would be talking to someone and would say "my parents", referring to my mom and dad. Of course, they would assume I was talking about my dad and Claire. I would catch myself right after, but what can you say then? There's nothing really that could be done after that kind of mistake. I keep getting false memories. Talking to her about some video work I had done at North or driving somewhere in the car. Hanging out in our house in Poulsbo with a couple of my friends. But she didn't meet anyone I knew in Poulsbo. She hasn't known any of my friends since I was 16.
And then sometimes I ask myself "what would have happened if...". If what? If my mom hadn't died? If I hadn't been kicked out of school? If I hadn't been accepted into UUC? If my uncle and aunt hadn't taken me in when I had no where else to go? If I had told my dad no?
Where would I be now?
It's funny how much my mindset has changed. I used to look back on myself as a little kid and think about how amazing I was, how accepting of things, how trusting I was in God. Because I was the perfect Christian missionary kid. I fit every stereotype. I knew everything about the Bible. And yet, somehow...I knew absolutely nothing about it at the same time. There was a world outside of our conservative Christian bubble. A world that was called harmful and evil. A world that was greatly feared by our teachers and principals and possibly some parents. It was a place that would corrupt the children, draw them in with pretty things and then trap them with sex, drugs and alcohol (not rock and roll). But for some reason, it didn't feel right to me. So I went "bad". And when I went "bad", I saw that things were different. I discovered that not all Christians were nice people and that not all nice people were Christians. This discovery absolutely blew my mind. And now, when I look back on myself as a little kid, I don't think about how amazing I was or how much faith I had and wish that I would be able to be that happy, that faithful, and that good of a Christian again. Instead, I look back and feel a bit sad that the Christian world we live in today teaches children to think like that.
The Irresistible Revolution tells of a man who is complaining to his friend about how he wants to ask God why He lets there be so much poverty and starvation and bad stuff in the world. And when his friend asks him why he doesn't, he looks at the ground and half whispers "because I'm afraid He will ask me the same question."
What have we let ourselves become?
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